Next Monday I leave for church camp. I'm excited, but hesistant at the same time. My mind and heart are not ready for this. I'm too scared to let God back in and change things. My heart and soul are locked up tight and I'm too scared to go to the One with the key.
Ever heard of the song Maybe I'm Afraid by Kerrie Roberts? That song fits me to a tee. I'm too scared to change. I want to stay the same, I think. I'm too afraid of being mended.
I know I hide nothing from God no matter how hard I try, but being unable to talk about the things inside me, or my thoughts keeps me from drawing closer to Him. My inability to show emotion is really hindering me.
One of my friends says she has a feeling God is going to do something amazing in my life at camp. But I have to prepare for it. Her suggestion was pray, fast, just spending time with God, and read my Bible. All things I struggle with.
I want to be close to God, I do. But it seems so hard, like I've fallen so far and I'm climbing up these icy slick-smooth walls. And all the while there's a hand trying to pull me back.
How can I do this? How can I even prepare, let alone be opened and changed?
I struggle with praying. I'm not honest with myself, how can I be with God?
I'm afraid of fasting, due to my struggle with body image, I'm afraid fasting might put me into a place of not eating that would lead to a worse place. Plus my parents don't support fasting at all.
Spending time with God is the hardest thing, the only place I feel Him is at church during worship, I know He's everywhere, but I need quiet or music to be able to even feel like it's possible to be near God.
I can possible read my Bible. I like reading and I have a million different versions of the Bible.
"I'm asking You to be strong enough, for the both of us." ~ Strong Enough by Matthew West.
I think I just found my answer. I'm not strong enough to prepare for camp. But He is.
He can move the mountains. He can walk on water. He can prepare my heart for what's to come.
Philippians 4: 13
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
What's Happened Since My Last Post (and before)
My Timeline
January 10th ~ The day I first self-injured.
January 16th ~ A fight between my best friend and I led to more "scars".
January 20th ~ The day I found out my grandma was dying.
Febuary 2nd ~ Guilt pains me, promise breaker that I was.
Febuary 7th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend's anniversary; night of the sharpie incident.
Febuary 8th ~ The day I realized I was losing myself.
Febuary 10th, 2011 ~ The day my grandma passed away. Also, the day I struggled to forgive my best friend for. I had no one to turn to that day, she left me because she wasn't strong enough to be there.
Febuary 11thish ~ The blue pills came INCHES from my mouth
Febuary 14th ~ The prayer service, I read my letter. Too strong for tears.
Febuary 15th ~ The funeral, still too strong for tears. Little brother had gut-wrenching sobs at grave site.
Febuary 26th ~ Another fight between my best friend and I. Led to her scars, which led to mine. Also the day I finally told Alex about my suicidal thoughts and actions.
March 1st ~ The first day of the rest of my life, saw Shelli for the first time in years. 2 Timothy 3: 16
March 3rd ~ My notebook is now my best friend, after trying to let go of Mikkala
March 5th ~ A friend's aunt's funeral. Comforted her crying, warning her not to try to be too strong.
March 7th ~ Found out above friend is depressed/suicidal/cutter too. Wondered, how can I even help when I feel like this too?
March 10th ~ The one month anniversary of Grandma's death. I didn't really feel anything.
March 16th ~ Four days of not talking, almost not eating and almost cutting due to a huge fight between me and my best friend. God should be my reason to live
March 18th ~ Failed attempt to be friends again.
March 21st ~ Finally mention to someone that B-I-T-C-H was starting to be carved into my leg. I wanted to either die, or be punched super hard. Ridden with guilt and worry.
March 23rd ~ Wrote a letter to my best friend. A mutual friend suggested I say all that to her instead. I was too chicken.
March 24th ~ Opened eyes after the song Majesty. Best friend and her boyfriend fight, worry ensues like always.
March 27th ~ Another chance at being friends, finally.
March 28th ~ Day I lost my blue bracelet Mikkala gave me [found it, refuse to wear it, for now]
April 4th ~ Spinning, set free? prayer? A day of trying to draw close to God, finding Him, then falling again.
April 5th ~ Facebook message to my five most trusted people about my cutting, including Alex, Leslie, and MaKayla. I break the promise, again.
April 9th ~ Set free from cutting. For good. Or so I thought.
April 16th ~ You need to let your best friend fall. NEVER.
April 27th ~ SET FREE DATE!!!
April 21st-24th ~ Easter without Grandma
April 28th ~ Yet another fight with my best friend.
April 29th ~ Talent show, did well, told I did good. Offered multiple shots of encouragement.
April 30th ~ I pick up my cutting habit, but drop it as soon as I see blood. 23 DAYS BROKEN!
May 2nd ~ "This is too weird..." My best friend wants to fix things, so we do.
May 10th ~ My best friend hangs up on me while on the phone, I was too distracted by... some things online.
May 11th ~ After getting an angry note from my best friend that she didn't want to give me, I didn't know what to say to her. Another "Let's stop being friends." arguement. Turns into the fact that I've sucked all the help out of Mikkala and she needs it to help herself. After seeing my best friend's cuts, I carve an M into my ankle. Leading to a week long cutting streak.
May 14th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend fight. I'm not there to help. She freaks out. I try to calm her down and help.
May 25th ~ LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! A final fight between me and Mikkala. I have to let her go. I just do. She wants to go. She's sick of my depression, she can leave.
May 26 ~ Long decide as the first day of my journey. You need to write a book, says a close friend of mine.
Hmm, I don't know when my last post was on here. I kind of forgot about this blog yet again. I think it's ironic what I called this blog, Beautifully Broken, it really sums up who've I've been lately, who I still am.
It's been almost 4 months since my grandma's death. I never processed it. Too much happened. I went through Hell the last 8 months of my life. My mind became Satan's playground. My heart, open to his firey arrows.
Where do I go from here? How do I stand after such a long, hard, fall?
I put down the knife. I pick up the Bible. I put away the cell phone, put in the Fireflight cd. I get off the chat sites, go to my blog and pour my heart out. It's so much harder than it seems.
Letting go of Mikkala is so much harder than I realized. Getting rid of my desire for "love". Breaking this cutting addiction. Writing the truth in a book. All of this is soooo hard.
I can only rely on the keys to my prison.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
January 10th ~ The day I first self-injured.
January 16th ~ A fight between my best friend and I led to more "scars".
January 20th ~ The day I found out my grandma was dying.
Febuary 2nd ~ Guilt pains me, promise breaker that I was.
Febuary 7th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend's anniversary; night of the sharpie incident.
Febuary 8th ~ The day I realized I was losing myself.
Febuary 10th, 2011 ~ The day my grandma passed away. Also, the day I struggled to forgive my best friend for. I had no one to turn to that day, she left me because she wasn't strong enough to be there.
Febuary 11thish ~ The blue pills came INCHES from my mouth
Febuary 14th ~ The prayer service, I read my letter. Too strong for tears.
Febuary 15th ~ The funeral, still too strong for tears. Little brother had gut-wrenching sobs at grave site.
Febuary 26th ~ Another fight between my best friend and I. Led to her scars, which led to mine. Also the day I finally told Alex about my suicidal thoughts and actions.
March 1st ~ The first day of the rest of my life, saw Shelli for the first time in years. 2 Timothy 3: 16
March 3rd ~ My notebook is now my best friend, after trying to let go of Mikkala
March 5th ~ A friend's aunt's funeral. Comforted her crying, warning her not to try to be too strong.
March 7th ~ Found out above friend is depressed/suicidal/cutter too. Wondered, how can I even help when I feel like this too?
March 10th ~ The one month anniversary of Grandma's death. I didn't really feel anything.
March 16th ~ Four days of not talking, almost not eating and almost cutting due to a huge fight between me and my best friend. God should be my reason to live
March 18th ~ Failed attempt to be friends again.
March 21st ~ Finally mention to someone that B-I-T-C-H was starting to be carved into my leg. I wanted to either die, or be punched super hard. Ridden with guilt and worry.
March 23rd ~ Wrote a letter to my best friend. A mutual friend suggested I say all that to her instead. I was too chicken.
March 24th ~ Opened eyes after the song Majesty. Best friend and her boyfriend fight, worry ensues like always.
March 27th ~ Another chance at being friends, finally.
March 28th ~ Day I lost my blue bracelet Mikkala gave me [found it, refuse to wear it, for now]
April 4th ~ Spinning, set free? prayer? A day of trying to draw close to God, finding Him, then falling again.
April 5th ~ Facebook message to my five most trusted people about my cutting, including Alex, Leslie, and MaKayla. I break the promise, again.
April 9th ~ Set free from cutting. For good. Or so I thought.
April 16th ~ You need to let your best friend fall. NEVER.
April 27th ~ SET FREE DATE!!!
April 21st-24th ~ Easter without Grandma
April 28th ~ Yet another fight with my best friend.
April 29th ~ Talent show, did well, told I did good. Offered multiple shots of encouragement.
April 30th ~ I pick up my cutting habit, but drop it as soon as I see blood. 23 DAYS BROKEN!
May 2nd ~ "This is too weird..." My best friend wants to fix things, so we do.
May 10th ~ My best friend hangs up on me while on the phone, I was too distracted by... some things online.
May 11th ~ After getting an angry note from my best friend that she didn't want to give me, I didn't know what to say to her. Another "Let's stop being friends." arguement. Turns into the fact that I've sucked all the help out of Mikkala and she needs it to help herself. After seeing my best friend's cuts, I carve an M into my ankle. Leading to a week long cutting streak.
May 14th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend fight. I'm not there to help. She freaks out. I try to calm her down and help.
May 25th ~ LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! A final fight between me and Mikkala. I have to let her go. I just do. She wants to go. She's sick of my depression, she can leave.
May 26 ~ Long decide as the first day of my journey. You need to write a book, says a close friend of mine.
Hmm, I don't know when my last post was on here. I kind of forgot about this blog yet again. I think it's ironic what I called this blog, Beautifully Broken, it really sums up who've I've been lately, who I still am.
It's been almost 4 months since my grandma's death. I never processed it. Too much happened. I went through Hell the last 8 months of my life. My mind became Satan's playground. My heart, open to his firey arrows.
Where do I go from here? How do I stand after such a long, hard, fall?
I put down the knife. I pick up the Bible. I put away the cell phone, put in the Fireflight cd. I get off the chat sites, go to my blog and pour my heart out. It's so much harder than it seems.
Letting go of Mikkala is so much harder than I realized. Getting rid of my desire for "love". Breaking this cutting addiction. Writing the truth in a book. All of this is soooo hard.
I can only rely on the keys to my prison.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Show
Hello! Months ago I created this blog to reach out to the broken, I didn't know that I'd end up one of the broken. But I was. Last night, God reached out to me. My best friend turned her back on me, no one seemed able to help, in a last ditch effort I told one more friend about my depression and struggles. Instead of just saying, "I'm here for you... don't do that... yada yada." He told our youth pastor about my struggles. Our youth pastor's wife called me, and then the pastor called my mom. Today, my mom took me to the counsler I'd went to in sixth grade. She didn't say I needed medicine or to check in to a mental hospital like I was very afraid she would. Instead she noticed that all I needed was : someone to talk to, some support, someone to tell me I didn't always have to be strong, and most of all, I needed to rebuild my connection with God.
I'm going to do that. I'm going to overcome everything. And in that proccess, I'm going to do something I've been saying I'm going to do for almost two years. I'm going to write a manuscript. Not just any manuscript though, I'm going to write a Bible study for struggling teens. Not "troubled teens" but struggling teens. It is going to be called, "The Show."
Why? I've put on a show until this day. I've pretended to be okay, and strong, fine and perfect. It's time to quit the show. Not just for me, but for every hurting person out there who is hiding. Behind the scenes, there could be a lot of things. The Show will be finished by the summer, it may not be published but it's going to be a finished manuscript.
I'm going to be doing a lot of praying, writing, reading, studying, succeeding, counsling, and getting closer to God. I'll post an update soon!
I'm going to do that. I'm going to overcome everything. And in that proccess, I'm going to do something I've been saying I'm going to do for almost two years. I'm going to write a manuscript. Not just any manuscript though, I'm going to write a Bible study for struggling teens. Not "troubled teens" but struggling teens. It is going to be called, "The Show."
Why? I've put on a show until this day. I've pretended to be okay, and strong, fine and perfect. It's time to quit the show. Not just for me, but for every hurting person out there who is hiding. Behind the scenes, there could be a lot of things. The Show will be finished by the summer, it may not be published but it's going to be a finished manuscript.
I'm going to be doing a lot of praying, writing, reading, studying, succeeding, counsling, and getting closer to God. I'll post an update soon!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Real Life Hits At The Worst Times
Frostbite was an extreme success :)
I got back on track with God and got stuck in a snow storm :)
It's the fact that reality set in real quickly when I got back.
Exactly a week from Frostbite, my best friend and I quit being friends.
And this time, it's honestly my fault. I've been selfish. A LOT.
And when she tried to tell me that, I flipped out on her, lost it in frusteration... and now, we aren't speaking :"(
I'm confused, I'm lost, I don't know if I can do this.
She's confused, she's hurt, she's going to try and make it.
I have someone who's says they'll be my best friend.
My only problem is... he will never be the best friend I lost,
and it's not like he really wants to listen to me go on and on all the time.
I need my best friend back. My best guy friend will never replace her.
At least now I know not to give up, at least I know someone out there cares.
I got back on track with God and got stuck in a snow storm :)
It's the fact that reality set in real quickly when I got back.
Exactly a week from Frostbite, my best friend and I quit being friends.
And this time, it's honestly my fault. I've been selfish. A LOT.
And when she tried to tell me that, I flipped out on her, lost it in frusteration... and now, we aren't speaking :"(
I'm confused, I'm lost, I don't know if I can do this.
She's confused, she's hurt, she's going to try and make it.
I have someone who's says they'll be my best friend.
My only problem is... he will never be the best friend I lost,
and it's not like he really wants to listen to me go on and on all the time.
I need my best friend back. My best guy friend will never replace her.
At least now I know not to give up, at least I know someone out there cares.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
An Updateish
Last Tuesday, I was depressed.
Last Wednesday, God, through some amazing people save me.
Last Thursday, my grandma passed away and my best friend got mad at me.
Last Thursday, he saved my life.
Last Sunday, I skipped church to avoid him.
Monday, I read my letter at the prayer service. Many, many people told me how great I did.
Tuesday, I struggled my way through the funeral and school.
Wednesday, an amazing person came up to me and proved they cared.
Today, I want to punch someone from show choir in the face.
Today, I'm excited for my trip tomorrow.
Today, I'm hopeful that maybe, maybe he'll admit what ALL my friends say is true.
Tomorrow, I'll think how a month ago I told my best friend I didn't think I'd make it to this trip.
Tomorrow, I will be having the best time I've had in a long time, riding a church van to Minniesota.
This trip will be my vacation.
And just to say, I wouldn't be here without a certain two people. My best friend. And... the person I wish liked me back. You saved me, you may think I only like you because of that, or because you're kinda cute. No. I like you because you are you. Funny, sweet, caring, and God-loving you.
It's okay if you never notice that, or never like me back, because I'll always remember you telling me that I can make it through this... and that alone is enough to keep me going.
Last Wednesday, God, through some amazing people save me.
Last Thursday, my grandma passed away and my best friend got mad at me.
Last Thursday, he saved my life.
Last Sunday, I skipped church to avoid him.
Monday, I read my letter at the prayer service. Many, many people told me how great I did.
Tuesday, I struggled my way through the funeral and school.
Wednesday, an amazing person came up to me and proved they cared.
Today, I want to punch someone from show choir in the face.
Today, I'm excited for my trip tomorrow.
Today, I'm hopeful that maybe, maybe he'll admit what ALL my friends say is true.
Tomorrow, I'll think how a month ago I told my best friend I didn't think I'd make it to this trip.
Tomorrow, I will be having the best time I've had in a long time, riding a church van to Minniesota.
This trip will be my vacation.
And just to say, I wouldn't be here without a certain two people. My best friend. And... the person I wish liked me back. You saved me, you may think I only like you because of that, or because you're kinda cute. No. I like you because you are you. Funny, sweet, caring, and God-loving you.
It's okay if you never notice that, or never like me back, because I'll always remember you telling me that I can make it through this... and that alone is enough to keep me going.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
What I Just Realized
*long sigh* *and an even longer pause*
I have no idea how to start this. I can't believe I let this blog become the place where I hinted at some things I shouldn't have told. The fact that certain people found this blog, well, I'm kind of afraid someone else will, like my mom or something. I almost don't want to post anything more.
But it's gotten to be a habit now, and it's just another place where I can vent and try to find my way back to where I'm supposed to be.
Maybe I should just say everything on my mind. Even if I'm afraid to. Even if I know someone will read this. Even if I know the person and don't want them to read it. I just kind of what to tell everyone everything... and maybe see if they can help.
I'm so sick of keeping everything inside. So sick of wondering why. I'm so sick of being so far from God. I'm so sick of all these thoughts. I honestly just don't know what to do.
I wish I'd never, ever, ever got up the nerve to ask the guy I like if he liked me. That was such a mistake. I only did that because I was desperate for hope, for something to cheer me up. I would've never asked him if that wasn't the case. He's the first guy I've ever liked enough to even ask. It didn't help that all my friends thought he liked me. And all my preppy friends said I should ask him to TWIRP.
Sorry but no, everybody, I said I wasn't going to date until I was sixteen. I think I'm going to keep that little rule I made up. Because, one I don't think I need a boyfriend. Two, I have to figure things out first. Three, no guy likes me anyway.
I wish my grandma would get better, but I know she won't. God is calling her home and all that jazz I posted on my facebook yesterday. She's at peace with it. Heck, I'm pretty much at peace too, I'm just so tired of this roller coaster ride. And the next bump is... is when she's finally gone and I'm missing her like crazy.
I wish my mother didn't fight depression. She takes meds. She's "clinically depressed." You know what, Mom? You commented on my facebook last night saying I'm such a strong Christian girl, and that you were so glad you and Dad raised me that way. Mom, you got three things wrong in that sentence. One: "strong" ha, like I'm strong! Two people keep me strong and one of them you hate. Two: "strong Christian", Mom, I've been struggling with my faith for quite some time now, I ain't nearly the woman of God I was last year. I will always believe in God, but as of now, I just can't get close to Him. Pretending I am, well, that's so our family doesn't fall apart.
and as for you and dad raising me that way... get real, Mom. You two raised me as a Lutheran. God was up way up high and we couldn't get closed to Him. The reason I was ever a strong Christian, a full-fledged believer in Christ, was because of the friend that took me to a Pentecostal church. The very church I know consider my own. You got all that wrong, Mom. I can't believe how much you don't know me anymore.
You probably wouldn't believe your daughter has cut. You wouldn't believe the only reason your "strong Christian daughter" eats is because she doesn't want her too-skinny best friend to stop eating too. You wouldn't believe that your daughter has thought of giving up. You wouldn't believe that one time, your daughter's best friend, whom you "Don't hate", saved her life. You wouldn't believe that my best friend's boyfriend once saved my life. You wouldn't believe that one of the reasons I like the guy I do... is because he also saved my life once. Just by simply reminding me that God was there. You wouldn't believe it if you knew, Mom. You just wouldn't. You wouldn't believe that last night, when we were all staying at Grandma's I almost picked up the scissors... again. But then I looked at a message from my best friend... it told me to stay safe... which meant I couldn't do that. So I grabbed a Sharpie and wrote all my secrets on my feet and ankles. Every single thought in my brain...
"I love you, Grandma."
"I'll miss you, Grandma."
"Mom and Dad, please fix your marriage."
"Best friend, I'm staying safe."
"Markers don't leave scars."
"A, I wish you cared even more"
"If I give up, I'll go to hell, but sometimes that seems better."
"Knowing she'll give up too, makes me less willing to."
"N, thanks for singing to me that one day in bio, it made me feel like I mattered for once."
"M, you're closer to me than a sister, thank you so much."
"S, T, and A, thanks so much for saving me."
Lastly, I wrote:
"Forgiveness will find me, eventually."
I meant... I will find God eventually... I just can't seem to find Him. I need to. But one hand pulls Him closer, the other pushes Him away.
There is one person who is going to read this, one person that I really don't know if I want them to read this. They are going to finally see what's really inside my heart. This monster. When you first met me, you probably thought I was this happy, bubbly girl with a heart for God. That was true. Back then. Now, I don't know what I am. But I'm sure not happy... and the devil has put out my fire for God... I can't seem to relight it. I'm so sorry you have to see this horrible side of me... the real me. The one that's fought giving up for the last month and half. The one who's world keeps crashing in around her. The one who keeps running in the wrong direction and can't turn around. The one too broken to be put together again... the one no one seems able to save... I hate that you will read this... Gosh, I'm so sorry you have to... because knowing you, you'll blame yourself for this... you'll say, if only I would've been nicer when I said what I said... or if I would've said yes. No. Don't do that. Because it's not your fault at all. In fact, all you did was point me in the right direction, telling me to focus on God. And if you hate this, the real me, I'm okay with that. You don't need me dragging you down. I'm so glad we're still friends though. A, I thank you so much for saving my life.
I just got a heck of a lot of stuff of my heart... but it's not all. I don't know what else to put. Considering no one's really going to care all that a much about a mile-long post... especially when it's all about me and my problems... you know, I just wish I could stop feeling so messed up and broken. Stop wanting to give up. Start realizing that people care... And to think only two months ago I was worried about my friends giving up... now they're worried about me... role-reversal much...
I want summer to come. But you know what really sucks about summer....... I have to work. And my mom wants me to work full-time. That means 7-4:30... I really, really don't want to waste my summer like that. I think one of the reason I'm so depressed is I never got a vacation last year. I never got to be a kid. Never got to sit outside and enjoy the sun. because I worked 9- 1:30 and was too tired to do anything. I'm not going to work this summer... no matter what bull my mom says. I can't work this summer. I need to enjoy my last summer as a true kid, the summer I'm fifteen. Because when I'm sixteen I'll get a real job... but for now, I really, really just want to be a kid again... and ride my bike up and down the hill so many times my legs burn, chalk so much on the driveway, I'm covered in it. Make mud pies in the front yard, climb my grandma's tree. Ride a scooter. Run in the grass. Find a four-leaf clover. Play pretend...
That's what I just realized I need... a break.
I have no idea how to start this. I can't believe I let this blog become the place where I hinted at some things I shouldn't have told. The fact that certain people found this blog, well, I'm kind of afraid someone else will, like my mom or something. I almost don't want to post anything more.
But it's gotten to be a habit now, and it's just another place where I can vent and try to find my way back to where I'm supposed to be.
Maybe I should just say everything on my mind. Even if I'm afraid to. Even if I know someone will read this. Even if I know the person and don't want them to read it. I just kind of what to tell everyone everything... and maybe see if they can help.
I'm so sick of keeping everything inside. So sick of wondering why. I'm so sick of being so far from God. I'm so sick of all these thoughts. I honestly just don't know what to do.
I wish I'd never, ever, ever got up the nerve to ask the guy I like if he liked me. That was such a mistake. I only did that because I was desperate for hope, for something to cheer me up. I would've never asked him if that wasn't the case. He's the first guy I've ever liked enough to even ask. It didn't help that all my friends thought he liked me. And all my preppy friends said I should ask him to TWIRP.
Sorry but no, everybody, I said I wasn't going to date until I was sixteen. I think I'm going to keep that little rule I made up. Because, one I don't think I need a boyfriend. Two, I have to figure things out first. Three, no guy likes me anyway.
I wish my grandma would get better, but I know she won't. God is calling her home and all that jazz I posted on my facebook yesterday. She's at peace with it. Heck, I'm pretty much at peace too, I'm just so tired of this roller coaster ride. And the next bump is... is when she's finally gone and I'm missing her like crazy.
I wish my mother didn't fight depression. She takes meds. She's "clinically depressed." You know what, Mom? You commented on my facebook last night saying I'm such a strong Christian girl, and that you were so glad you and Dad raised me that way. Mom, you got three things wrong in that sentence. One: "strong" ha, like I'm strong! Two people keep me strong and one of them you hate. Two: "strong Christian", Mom, I've been struggling with my faith for quite some time now, I ain't nearly the woman of God I was last year. I will always believe in God, but as of now, I just can't get close to Him. Pretending I am, well, that's so our family doesn't fall apart.
and as for you and dad raising me that way... get real, Mom. You two raised me as a Lutheran. God was up way up high and we couldn't get closed to Him. The reason I was ever a strong Christian, a full-fledged believer in Christ, was because of the friend that took me to a Pentecostal church. The very church I know consider my own. You got all that wrong, Mom. I can't believe how much you don't know me anymore.
You probably wouldn't believe your daughter has cut. You wouldn't believe the only reason your "strong Christian daughter" eats is because she doesn't want her too-skinny best friend to stop eating too. You wouldn't believe that your daughter has thought of giving up. You wouldn't believe that one time, your daughter's best friend, whom you "Don't hate", saved her life. You wouldn't believe that my best friend's boyfriend once saved my life. You wouldn't believe that one of the reasons I like the guy I do... is because he also saved my life once. Just by simply reminding me that God was there. You wouldn't believe it if you knew, Mom. You just wouldn't. You wouldn't believe that last night, when we were all staying at Grandma's I almost picked up the scissors... again. But then I looked at a message from my best friend... it told me to stay safe... which meant I couldn't do that. So I grabbed a Sharpie and wrote all my secrets on my feet and ankles. Every single thought in my brain...
"I love you, Grandma."
"I'll miss you, Grandma."
"Mom and Dad, please fix your marriage."
"Best friend, I'm staying safe."
"Markers don't leave scars."
"A, I wish you cared even more"
"If I give up, I'll go to hell, but sometimes that seems better."
"Knowing she'll give up too, makes me less willing to."
"N, thanks for singing to me that one day in bio, it made me feel like I mattered for once."
"M, you're closer to me than a sister, thank you so much."
"S, T, and A, thanks so much for saving me."
Lastly, I wrote:
"Forgiveness will find me, eventually."
I meant... I will find God eventually... I just can't seem to find Him. I need to. But one hand pulls Him closer, the other pushes Him away.
There is one person who is going to read this, one person that I really don't know if I want them to read this. They are going to finally see what's really inside my heart. This monster. When you first met me, you probably thought I was this happy, bubbly girl with a heart for God. That was true. Back then. Now, I don't know what I am. But I'm sure not happy... and the devil has put out my fire for God... I can't seem to relight it. I'm so sorry you have to see this horrible side of me... the real me. The one that's fought giving up for the last month and half. The one who's world keeps crashing in around her. The one who keeps running in the wrong direction and can't turn around. The one too broken to be put together again... the one no one seems able to save... I hate that you will read this... Gosh, I'm so sorry you have to... because knowing you, you'll blame yourself for this... you'll say, if only I would've been nicer when I said what I said... or if I would've said yes. No. Don't do that. Because it's not your fault at all. In fact, all you did was point me in the right direction, telling me to focus on God. And if you hate this, the real me, I'm okay with that. You don't need me dragging you down. I'm so glad we're still friends though. A, I thank you so much for saving my life.
I just got a heck of a lot of stuff of my heart... but it's not all. I don't know what else to put. Considering no one's really going to care all that a much about a mile-long post... especially when it's all about me and my problems... you know, I just wish I could stop feeling so messed up and broken. Stop wanting to give up. Start realizing that people care... And to think only two months ago I was worried about my friends giving up... now they're worried about me... role-reversal much...
I want summer to come. But you know what really sucks about summer....... I have to work. And my mom wants me to work full-time. That means 7-4:30... I really, really don't want to waste my summer like that. I think one of the reason I'm so depressed is I never got a vacation last year. I never got to be a kid. Never got to sit outside and enjoy the sun. because I worked 9- 1:30 and was too tired to do anything. I'm not going to work this summer... no matter what bull my mom says. I can't work this summer. I need to enjoy my last summer as a true kid, the summer I'm fifteen. Because when I'm sixteen I'll get a real job... but for now, I really, really just want to be a kid again... and ride my bike up and down the hill so many times my legs burn, chalk so much on the driveway, I'm covered in it. Make mud pies in the front yard, climb my grandma's tree. Ride a scooter. Run in the grass. Find a four-leaf clover. Play pretend...
That's what I just realized I need... a break.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Death
I'm scared. My grandma is dying. She has anywhere from 3 days to a month to no one knows. My family's falling apart. I have my first show choir competition in about a week.
When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."
She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.
When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."
She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
American Idols, God's Timing and TWIRP
Wednesday's are my favorite day of the week. Why? Youth service. A lot of my friends think I'm so glad to go to church because I get to see a friend of mine I don't see anywhere else. But that's not entierly why I like it so much, it's not even close. The real reason, I get so much closer to God. This week was no exception.
We sang You Won't Relent during worship, it was a song I needed to hear, it opened my heart to what was in store next. Soon, we started singing the part "Come by the fire inside of me, come be the flame on my heart." That part almost made me cry, it's what I needed, I needed God to come consume me with His fire once again, after the devil and myself had turned it to barely alive embers. We also sang Hosanna, that song gave me the most amazing feeling, and then The More I Seek You, I want to be that song so much!
Our pastor started his lesson, the third part in our American Idols series. It was about King Saul and how he wasn't patient on God, and instead had the mentality most Americans have: We need it now!
Stressful Situations
Selfish Impatience
and Sinful Defiance
were three key points. Every single one of them pointed an arrow straight to me... stressful situations- me, my best friend, show choir, grades, family. Selfish Impatience - I forgot about God last weekend, due to my selfish want to have everything better, I completly forgot that God was still there.
Sinful Defiance - I wanted to end my life this weekend, I didn't, certain people stopped me. But I acted in sinful defiance, as if God was not there or I no longer cared about Him. There are three scrapes on my wrist that will, as long as they last, remind never to forget about God. God caught me in His grace this weekend, I have this second chance and I'm going to use it.
Our pastor also talked a lot about God's timing, that part of the sermon couldn't come at a better time. There's this dance coming up in about a month at school, it's called TWIRP, the girls ask the guys. Some of my friends refuse to go, others have dates, and some others are telling me to ask someone to go. I've thought about it a lot, but what I didn't do was pray about it. I'm going to a lot, I'm just pretty sure God doesn't want me to ask my best guy friend to a school dance. Especially since He basically told me to not date until a while.
And, I'm not exactly sure the guy would say yes, after all he'd feel pretty strange being an eighth grader among high schoolers. So for now, I'll be content with the way he makes me laugh, how he makes me smile when I didn't think I'd smile, and be happy he always reminds me that God is there. God used him to save my life, maybe, just maybe, one day, in God's timing, we'll be more then friends.
We sang You Won't Relent during worship, it was a song I needed to hear, it opened my heart to what was in store next. Soon, we started singing the part "Come by the fire inside of me, come be the flame on my heart." That part almost made me cry, it's what I needed, I needed God to come consume me with His fire once again, after the devil and myself had turned it to barely alive embers. We also sang Hosanna, that song gave me the most amazing feeling, and then The More I Seek You, I want to be that song so much!
Our pastor started his lesson, the third part in our American Idols series. It was about King Saul and how he wasn't patient on God, and instead had the mentality most Americans have: We need it now!
Stressful Situations
Selfish Impatience
and Sinful Defiance
were three key points. Every single one of them pointed an arrow straight to me... stressful situations- me, my best friend, show choir, grades, family. Selfish Impatience - I forgot about God last weekend, due to my selfish want to have everything better, I completly forgot that God was still there.
Sinful Defiance - I wanted to end my life this weekend, I didn't, certain people stopped me. But I acted in sinful defiance, as if God was not there or I no longer cared about Him. There are three scrapes on my wrist that will, as long as they last, remind never to forget about God. God caught me in His grace this weekend, I have this second chance and I'm going to use it.
Our pastor also talked a lot about God's timing, that part of the sermon couldn't come at a better time. There's this dance coming up in about a month at school, it's called TWIRP, the girls ask the guys. Some of my friends refuse to go, others have dates, and some others are telling me to ask someone to go. I've thought about it a lot, but what I didn't do was pray about it. I'm going to a lot, I'm just pretty sure God doesn't want me to ask my best guy friend to a school dance. Especially since He basically told me to not date until a while.
And, I'm not exactly sure the guy would say yes, after all he'd feel pretty strange being an eighth grader among high schoolers. So for now, I'll be content with the way he makes me laugh, how he makes me smile when I didn't think I'd smile, and be happy he always reminds me that God is there. God used him to save my life, maybe, just maybe, one day, in God's timing, we'll be more then friends.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Anyway
There's a song called Anyway by Martina McBride. It's one of few country songs I'll listen to, and boy, it's really helping me right now.
I got into a huge fight with my best friend over the weekend. I felt so worthless and erasable. I did a lot of things I regret, my hand is proof, and I did drastic things that I don't know what I was thinking.
Honestly, I think three people saved my life. One of them was my best friend's boyfriend, he's a Christian and pointed me in the direction of the cross, another was a friend I hardly know who text me all day making sure I was okay, and last, was this one guy, I've known him for quite some time now, I don't know if he's just a good friend, or if we could be something more than that, either way he made me smile on one of the worst days of my life. I thank those three people for saving my life, my wrist doesn't have scars because of you three.
Honestly, I believe God put all three of you in my life to save me from myself. Though only one of you will see this, thanks.
I completly forgot about God when my best friend glared at me with anger, hurt and hate. How? I honestly don't know. I have a burning fire for God, it was put out by this. The devil knows my weakness and he hit it hard. I'm praying God will renew my faith in Him, it's going to be soooo hard to regain, and become close to Him again. But I will do it.
I went to church last Sunday, I went to the middle school service, I'm a high schooler though. I know all the middle school girls and most of the guys, and none of the high schoolers, so I went anyway. Maybe I wasn't supposed to, I don't know. Either way, I know I was supposed to be there. And it wasn't just to talk, to give hugs to my friends, and talk to one of the most amazing people I know, no, it wasn't at all.
During worship, we sang The Stand By Hillsong United, it fit me that moment. It struck me then that I was supposed to be there. When our pastor spoke, talking about brokeness and breaking things, I almost burst into tears, but someone smiled at me and stopped me from crying. I'd broken, I'd also broken many things... I was sooo broken. That service was one small step in my road back to God. As I was talking to a group of my closest friends after service, my phone buzzed. It was my best friend, I ran outside to answer it. We fixed things right then. Amazing right? God is definitly.
Back to the song, Anyway by Martina McBride, I've felt erasable. Like I can let someone in my life, get close to them, love them and they can turn around and completly forget about me. This song is telling me to do it anyway, along with trying my hardest to complete all of my dreams.
I got into a huge fight with my best friend over the weekend. I felt so worthless and erasable. I did a lot of things I regret, my hand is proof, and I did drastic things that I don't know what I was thinking.
Honestly, I think three people saved my life. One of them was my best friend's boyfriend, he's a Christian and pointed me in the direction of the cross, another was a friend I hardly know who text me all day making sure I was okay, and last, was this one guy, I've known him for quite some time now, I don't know if he's just a good friend, or if we could be something more than that, either way he made me smile on one of the worst days of my life. I thank those three people for saving my life, my wrist doesn't have scars because of you three.
Honestly, I believe God put all three of you in my life to save me from myself. Though only one of you will see this, thanks.
I completly forgot about God when my best friend glared at me with anger, hurt and hate. How? I honestly don't know. I have a burning fire for God, it was put out by this. The devil knows my weakness and he hit it hard. I'm praying God will renew my faith in Him, it's going to be soooo hard to regain, and become close to Him again. But I will do it.
I went to church last Sunday, I went to the middle school service, I'm a high schooler though. I know all the middle school girls and most of the guys, and none of the high schoolers, so I went anyway. Maybe I wasn't supposed to, I don't know. Either way, I know I was supposed to be there. And it wasn't just to talk, to give hugs to my friends, and talk to one of the most amazing people I know, no, it wasn't at all.
During worship, we sang The Stand By Hillsong United, it fit me that moment. It struck me then that I was supposed to be there. When our pastor spoke, talking about brokeness and breaking things, I almost burst into tears, but someone smiled at me and stopped me from crying. I'd broken, I'd also broken many things... I was sooo broken. That service was one small step in my road back to God. As I was talking to a group of my closest friends after service, my phone buzzed. It was my best friend, I ran outside to answer it. We fixed things right then. Amazing right? God is definitly.
Back to the song, Anyway by Martina McBride, I've felt erasable. Like I can let someone in my life, get close to them, love them and they can turn around and completly forget about me. This song is telling me to do it anyway, along with trying my hardest to complete all of my dreams.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Billion Thoughts
You know the days when your mind races? It's trying to catch up with everything that happened in the last minute? Last hour? Last day? Last week? Month? Year? I seem to have a lot of those days. Days when the world is spinning faster then I can keep up. Today was another one of those days. I can't help but wonder how many more are to come.
But as quickly as it spun out of control, it came back into focus. Writing a lot, praying some and God turned things around. I still have questions, I may ask why, but no matter what I can't deny that God doesn't work.
You brought a smile to my face when the world was spinning too fast. Thank you for that, you showed me God was still there, even if it didn't feel like or you never said it. You will never know how much that means to me.
I still want to type many other things, but I have some other things I need to do, like write letters and look up a Bible verse. I will post again soon, promise.
But as quickly as it spun out of control, it came back into focus. Writing a lot, praying some and God turned things around. I still have questions, I may ask why, but no matter what I can't deny that God doesn't work.
You brought a smile to my face when the world was spinning too fast. Thank you for that, you showed me God was still there, even if it didn't feel like or you never said it. You will never know how much that means to me.
I still want to type many other things, but I have some other things I need to do, like write letters and look up a Bible verse. I will post again soon, promise.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A New Year
Well, it's 2011. I spend the first five minutes of this year worshiping the God who is stronger than anything, I'd say that's a good start to the year :)
I have a lot I want to talk about in here. Basically, the last days of 2010 were hard, 2010 was a hard year. And January 1 that's all I could think about. It didn't help that my best friend and I had (and fixed) one of our bad fights a few days before the new year.
On January 1, she mentioned how whenever she said lovey-dovey stuff about her boyfriend, I'd say it was disturbing or gross, even though it wasn't. I explained why to her. She understood but then she said this,
"I've wanted to thank you for a while and I feel this is the time. Thank you for suggesting to strengthen mine and his bond. They've helped more than you can think :) he now trusts me 100% and I trust him 99%. Compared to 95% and 91% before. So thank you, I don't know where we'd be without you :) "
I denyed I helped. I can't believe I did. All the years I'd fail to help people, all the years people ignored, all the years I was called names... they came back to me. They told me I could never help ever. I hadn't helped them, it wasn't possible, I didn't know what I was doing, after all what did I know about relationships? I haven't had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. That is exactly what I told my best friend. She told me this:
"I thank you for being sane and thinking things thru while we were fighting and on top of that you came up with a way for us to fight less that actually worked. We knew we had to trust each other more, but we didn't know how. Until your ideas .... We haven't had a huge long fight in a long time. We have fought a little but we solved it alot quicker than we would've before. and things I would've taken off in rage about, I understand. All of this happened because of your help. That's why I thank you."
Once again I couldn't believe it, I denyed it with everything I had. I reminded her of all the people I couldn't help. And how just a few days ago, we had had a fight because I hadn't helped her when she needed me. She told me this,
"You are making me sad. You help. And you know I only said that out of confusion and frustration. things could be much worse if you didn't help... there could be no Zac, and no Peyton, there could be no Alena at our table. I know you helped that girl in your study hall too. And the rest of that is in the past. Look at now look at all the things that are now that happened because of your help, without your need to help there wouldn't be a me and Treiton. It'd be me or Treiton... not together.. or maybe not even a me... but because of you I'm here. And we are together. Because you DID help. Because you DO help. Because you are Kerri. My caring best friend. The girl that people ignore that does more good than any dressed up super hero. That will one day be more than she thinks she can be."
I don't tell you this to feel good about myself. I tell you this to show you something that scared me. My best friend is alive because of me. So many people would be so much worse, but apparently I stepped in. And you know what I thought? It's not me. It's God. He put me in the midst of all these hurting people. He lets me hear them out, when no one else does. One person can make a difference, one person can save a life, one person can reach out, one person can heal pain, one person can fix a broken heart, one person can fix a failing relationship, one life can change the world, I can only do it because of God's help. I'm on my way to changing the world, helping and it starts now, in 2011. Will you join me?
I have a lot I want to talk about in here. Basically, the last days of 2010 were hard, 2010 was a hard year. And January 1 that's all I could think about. It didn't help that my best friend and I had (and fixed) one of our bad fights a few days before the new year.
On January 1, she mentioned how whenever she said lovey-dovey stuff about her boyfriend, I'd say it was disturbing or gross, even though it wasn't. I explained why to her. She understood but then she said this,
"I've wanted to thank you for a while and I feel this is the time. Thank you for suggesting to strengthen mine and his bond. They've helped more than you can think :) he now trusts me 100% and I trust him 99%. Compared to 95% and 91% before. So thank you, I don't know where we'd be without you :) "
I denyed I helped. I can't believe I did. All the years I'd fail to help people, all the years people ignored, all the years I was called names... they came back to me. They told me I could never help ever. I hadn't helped them, it wasn't possible, I didn't know what I was doing, after all what did I know about relationships? I haven't had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. That is exactly what I told my best friend. She told me this:
"I thank you for being sane and thinking things thru while we were fighting and on top of that you came up with a way for us to fight less that actually worked. We knew we had to trust each other more, but we didn't know how. Until your ideas .... We haven't had a huge long fight in a long time. We have fought a little but we solved it alot quicker than we would've before. and things I would've taken off in rage about, I understand. All of this happened because of your help. That's why I thank you."
Once again I couldn't believe it, I denyed it with everything I had. I reminded her of all the people I couldn't help. And how just a few days ago, we had had a fight because I hadn't helped her when she needed me. She told me this,
"You are making me sad. You help. And you know I only said that out of confusion and frustration. things could be much worse if you didn't help... there could be no Zac, and no Peyton, there could be no Alena at our table. I know you helped that girl in your study hall too. And the rest of that is in the past. Look at now look at all the things that are now that happened because of your help, without your need to help there wouldn't be a me and Treiton. It'd be me or Treiton... not together.. or maybe not even a me... but because of you I'm here. And we are together. Because you DID help. Because you DO help. Because you are Kerri. My caring best friend. The girl that people ignore that does more good than any dressed up super hero. That will one day be more than she thinks she can be."
I don't tell you this to feel good about myself. I tell you this to show you something that scared me. My best friend is alive because of me. So many people would be so much worse, but apparently I stepped in. And you know what I thought? It's not me. It's God. He put me in the midst of all these hurting people. He lets me hear them out, when no one else does. One person can make a difference, one person can save a life, one person can reach out, one person can heal pain, one person can fix a broken heart, one person can fix a failing relationship, one life can change the world, I can only do it because of God's help. I'm on my way to changing the world, helping and it starts now, in 2011. Will you join me?
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