My Timeline
January 10th ~ The day I first self-injured.
January 16th ~ A fight between my best friend and I led to more "scars".
January 20th ~ The day I found out my grandma was dying.
Febuary 2nd ~ Guilt pains me, promise breaker that I was.
Febuary 7th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend's anniversary; night of the sharpie incident.
Febuary 8th ~ The day I realized I was losing myself.
Febuary 10th, 2011 ~ The day my grandma passed away. Also, the day I struggled to forgive my best friend for. I had no one to turn to that day, she left me because she wasn't strong enough to be there.
Febuary 11thish ~ The blue pills came INCHES from my mouth
Febuary 14th ~ The prayer service, I read my letter. Too strong for tears.
Febuary 15th ~ The funeral, still too strong for tears. Little brother had gut-wrenching sobs at grave site.
Febuary 26th ~ Another fight between my best friend and I. Led to her scars, which led to mine. Also the day I finally told Alex about my suicidal thoughts and actions.
March 1st ~ The first day of the rest of my life, saw Shelli for the first time in years. 2 Timothy 3: 16
March 3rd ~ My notebook is now my best friend, after trying to let go of Mikkala
March 5th ~ A friend's aunt's funeral. Comforted her crying, warning her not to try to be too strong.
March 7th ~ Found out above friend is depressed/suicidal/cutter too. Wondered, how can I even help when I feel like this too?
March 10th ~ The one month anniversary of Grandma's death. I didn't really feel anything.
March 16th ~ Four days of not talking, almost not eating and almost cutting due to a huge fight between me and my best friend. God should be my reason to live
March 18th ~ Failed attempt to be friends again.
March 21st ~ Finally mention to someone that B-I-T-C-H was starting to be carved into my leg. I wanted to either die, or be punched super hard. Ridden with guilt and worry.
March 23rd ~ Wrote a letter to my best friend. A mutual friend suggested I say all that to her instead. I was too chicken.
March 24th ~ Opened eyes after the song Majesty. Best friend and her boyfriend fight, worry ensues like always.
March 27th ~ Another chance at being friends, finally.
March 28th ~ Day I lost my blue bracelet Mikkala gave me [found it, refuse to wear it, for now]
April 4th ~ Spinning, set free? prayer? A day of trying to draw close to God, finding Him, then falling again.
April 5th ~ Facebook message to my five most trusted people about my cutting, including Alex, Leslie, and MaKayla. I break the promise, again.
April 9th ~ Set free from cutting. For good. Or so I thought.
April 16th ~ You need to let your best friend fall. NEVER.
April 27th ~ SET FREE DATE!!!
April 21st-24th ~ Easter without Grandma
April 28th ~ Yet another fight with my best friend.
April 29th ~ Talent show, did well, told I did good. Offered multiple shots of encouragement.
April 30th ~ I pick up my cutting habit, but drop it as soon as I see blood. 23 DAYS BROKEN!
May 2nd ~ "This is too weird..." My best friend wants to fix things, so we do.
May 10th ~ My best friend hangs up on me while on the phone, I was too distracted by... some things online.
May 11th ~ After getting an angry note from my best friend that she didn't want to give me, I didn't know what to say to her. Another "Let's stop being friends." arguement. Turns into the fact that I've sucked all the help out of Mikkala and she needs it to help herself. After seeing my best friend's cuts, I carve an M into my ankle. Leading to a week long cutting streak.
May 14th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend fight. I'm not there to help. She freaks out. I try to calm her down and help.
May 25th ~ LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! A final fight between me and Mikkala. I have to let her go. I just do. She wants to go. She's sick of my depression, she can leave.
May 26 ~ Long decide as the first day of my journey. You need to write a book, says a close friend of mine.
Hmm, I don't know when my last post was on here. I kind of forgot about this blog yet again. I think it's ironic what I called this blog, Beautifully Broken, it really sums up who've I've been lately, who I still am.
It's been almost 4 months since my grandma's death. I never processed it. Too much happened. I went through Hell the last 8 months of my life. My mind became Satan's playground. My heart, open to his firey arrows.
Where do I go from here? How do I stand after such a long, hard, fall?
I put down the knife. I pick up the Bible. I put away the cell phone, put in the Fireflight cd. I get off the chat sites, go to my blog and pour my heart out. It's so much harder than it seems.
Letting go of Mikkala is so much harder than I realized. Getting rid of my desire for "love". Breaking this cutting addiction. Writing the truth in a book. All of this is soooo hard.
I can only rely on the keys to my prison.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Death
I'm scared. My grandma is dying. She has anywhere from 3 days to a month to no one knows. My family's falling apart. I have my first show choir competition in about a week.
When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."
She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.
When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."
She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A New Year
Well, it's 2011. I spend the first five minutes of this year worshiping the God who is stronger than anything, I'd say that's a good start to the year :)
I have a lot I want to talk about in here. Basically, the last days of 2010 were hard, 2010 was a hard year. And January 1 that's all I could think about. It didn't help that my best friend and I had (and fixed) one of our bad fights a few days before the new year.
On January 1, she mentioned how whenever she said lovey-dovey stuff about her boyfriend, I'd say it was disturbing or gross, even though it wasn't. I explained why to her. She understood but then she said this,
"I've wanted to thank you for a while and I feel this is the time. Thank you for suggesting to strengthen mine and his bond. They've helped more than you can think :) he now trusts me 100% and I trust him 99%. Compared to 95% and 91% before. So thank you, I don't know where we'd be without you :) "
I denyed I helped. I can't believe I did. All the years I'd fail to help people, all the years people ignored, all the years I was called names... they came back to me. They told me I could never help ever. I hadn't helped them, it wasn't possible, I didn't know what I was doing, after all what did I know about relationships? I haven't had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. That is exactly what I told my best friend. She told me this:
"I thank you for being sane and thinking things thru while we were fighting and on top of that you came up with a way for us to fight less that actually worked. We knew we had to trust each other more, but we didn't know how. Until your ideas .... We haven't had a huge long fight in a long time. We have fought a little but we solved it alot quicker than we would've before. and things I would've taken off in rage about, I understand. All of this happened because of your help. That's why I thank you."
Once again I couldn't believe it, I denyed it with everything I had. I reminded her of all the people I couldn't help. And how just a few days ago, we had had a fight because I hadn't helped her when she needed me. She told me this,
"You are making me sad. You help. And you know I only said that out of confusion and frustration. things could be much worse if you didn't help... there could be no Zac, and no Peyton, there could be no Alena at our table. I know you helped that girl in your study hall too. And the rest of that is in the past. Look at now look at all the things that are now that happened because of your help, without your need to help there wouldn't be a me and Treiton. It'd be me or Treiton... not together.. or maybe not even a me... but because of you I'm here. And we are together. Because you DID help. Because you DO help. Because you are Kerri. My caring best friend. The girl that people ignore that does more good than any dressed up super hero. That will one day be more than she thinks she can be."
I don't tell you this to feel good about myself. I tell you this to show you something that scared me. My best friend is alive because of me. So many people would be so much worse, but apparently I stepped in. And you know what I thought? It's not me. It's God. He put me in the midst of all these hurting people. He lets me hear them out, when no one else does. One person can make a difference, one person can save a life, one person can reach out, one person can heal pain, one person can fix a broken heart, one person can fix a failing relationship, one life can change the world, I can only do it because of God's help. I'm on my way to changing the world, helping and it starts now, in 2011. Will you join me?
I have a lot I want to talk about in here. Basically, the last days of 2010 were hard, 2010 was a hard year. And January 1 that's all I could think about. It didn't help that my best friend and I had (and fixed) one of our bad fights a few days before the new year.
On January 1, she mentioned how whenever she said lovey-dovey stuff about her boyfriend, I'd say it was disturbing or gross, even though it wasn't. I explained why to her. She understood but then she said this,
"I've wanted to thank you for a while and I feel this is the time. Thank you for suggesting to strengthen mine and his bond. They've helped more than you can think :) he now trusts me 100% and I trust him 99%. Compared to 95% and 91% before. So thank you, I don't know where we'd be without you :) "
I denyed I helped. I can't believe I did. All the years I'd fail to help people, all the years people ignored, all the years I was called names... they came back to me. They told me I could never help ever. I hadn't helped them, it wasn't possible, I didn't know what I was doing, after all what did I know about relationships? I haven't had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. That is exactly what I told my best friend. She told me this:
"I thank you for being sane and thinking things thru while we were fighting and on top of that you came up with a way for us to fight less that actually worked. We knew we had to trust each other more, but we didn't know how. Until your ideas .... We haven't had a huge long fight in a long time. We have fought a little but we solved it alot quicker than we would've before. and things I would've taken off in rage about, I understand. All of this happened because of your help. That's why I thank you."
Once again I couldn't believe it, I denyed it with everything I had. I reminded her of all the people I couldn't help. And how just a few days ago, we had had a fight because I hadn't helped her when she needed me. She told me this,
"You are making me sad. You help. And you know I only said that out of confusion and frustration. things could be much worse if you didn't help... there could be no Zac, and no Peyton, there could be no Alena at our table. I know you helped that girl in your study hall too. And the rest of that is in the past. Look at now look at all the things that are now that happened because of your help, without your need to help there wouldn't be a me and Treiton. It'd be me or Treiton... not together.. or maybe not even a me... but because of you I'm here. And we are together. Because you DID help. Because you DO help. Because you are Kerri. My caring best friend. The girl that people ignore that does more good than any dressed up super hero. That will one day be more than she thinks she can be."
I don't tell you this to feel good about myself. I tell you this to show you something that scared me. My best friend is alive because of me. So many people would be so much worse, but apparently I stepped in. And you know what I thought? It's not me. It's God. He put me in the midst of all these hurting people. He lets me hear them out, when no one else does. One person can make a difference, one person can save a life, one person can reach out, one person can heal pain, one person can fix a broken heart, one person can fix a failing relationship, one life can change the world, I can only do it because of God's help. I'm on my way to changing the world, helping and it starts now, in 2011. Will you join me?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Meaning Behind It All
I have a song that uses those lyrics ^^^ yes, random I know.
Anyway, I'm here to explain the title of my blog aka the meaning behind it.
I really love this whole blogging thing, I just want to type and type and type some more, maybe I'm just strange...
Okay, back on task. My blog is called "Beautifully Broken." Why?
Ever heard the song Broken & Beautiful by Mark Schultz? If you have, great, it's truly a very good song! My blog would be called Broken and Beautiful but that's stealing the title, so it's Beautifully Broken. It implies how all of us are broken. Just look around you, that girl in seventh period with the love for cookies: she's really a terrified victim. That girl every calls a s***, she's really just looking for love she doesn't find at home. That girl who seems to be so strong: she's really falling apart and at her last resort. The mom who voulenteers for everything : A women lost in depression. The lady you passed in the grocery store: a women struggling with her past. That guy in black standing on the corner, some say he's a stoner, but he's really just trying to escape the lies.
Every single one of us is broken. Or we used to be. Of six billion people in this world, around half struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide. I created this blog, since I do not have the means of creating a website. I want with all my heart to create a website devoted to helping those who are struggling. Yes, we have organizations like TWLOHA, and websites like sixbillionsecrets, but TWLOHA supports are few and far between. And sixbillionsecrets is a site where your secret has to be voted on just to be published. No one gets the help they need.
So here I am, I want to start something new, something real, something that will help! I was there, I was broken, suicidal, God saved my life. I don't want Beautifully Broken to shove God down people's throats. No way. I want people to stand up! Step up! Be heros! Those of us who are no longer broken, those of us who know how to over come things, to reach out!
Teen suicide rates have gone up. I know at least two of my best friends have thoughts like that daily, two of three! I strive to be there for my friends, anytime they need it. And I'm not stopping there. I'm going to start this revolution if it takes everything I've got! Starting with this blog, maybe people will join me, maybe they won't, maybe my words will give someone hope, either way I'm doing it. If anyone needs someone to talk to, email me. I will check every single day. Maybe no one will even read this, but it still will not stop me. Because lives can and will be saved, but it takes a hero to change the course of history. That, is the meaning behind this blog.0
Anyway, I'm here to explain the title of my blog aka the meaning behind it.
I really love this whole blogging thing, I just want to type and type and type some more, maybe I'm just strange...
Okay, back on task. My blog is called "Beautifully Broken." Why?
Ever heard the song Broken & Beautiful by Mark Schultz? If you have, great, it's truly a very good song! My blog would be called Broken and Beautiful but that's stealing the title, so it's Beautifully Broken. It implies how all of us are broken. Just look around you, that girl in seventh period with the love for cookies: she's really a terrified victim. That girl every calls a s***, she's really just looking for love she doesn't find at home. That girl who seems to be so strong: she's really falling apart and at her last resort. The mom who voulenteers for everything : A women lost in depression. The lady you passed in the grocery store: a women struggling with her past. That guy in black standing on the corner, some say he's a stoner, but he's really just trying to escape the lies.
Every single one of us is broken. Or we used to be. Of six billion people in this world, around half struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide. I created this blog, since I do not have the means of creating a website. I want with all my heart to create a website devoted to helping those who are struggling. Yes, we have organizations like TWLOHA, and websites like sixbillionsecrets, but TWLOHA supports are few and far between. And sixbillionsecrets is a site where your secret has to be voted on just to be published. No one gets the help they need.
So here I am, I want to start something new, something real, something that will help! I was there, I was broken, suicidal, God saved my life. I don't want Beautifully Broken to shove God down people's throats. No way. I want people to stand up! Step up! Be heros! Those of us who are no longer broken, those of us who know how to over come things, to reach out!
Teen suicide rates have gone up. I know at least two of my best friends have thoughts like that daily, two of three! I strive to be there for my friends, anytime they need it. And I'm not stopping there. I'm going to start this revolution if it takes everything I've got! Starting with this blog, maybe people will join me, maybe they won't, maybe my words will give someone hope, either way I'm doing it. If anyone needs someone to talk to, email me. I will check every single day. Maybe no one will even read this, but it still will not stop me. Because lives can and will be saved, but it takes a hero to change the course of history. That, is the meaning behind this blog.0
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