Death

I'm scared. My grandma is dying. She has anywhere from 3 days to a month to no one knows. My family's falling apart. I have my first show choir competition in about a week.

When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."

She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.

Anyway

There's a song called Anyway by Martina McBride. It's one of few country songs I'll listen to, and boy, it's really helping me right now.

I got into a huge fight with my best friend over the weekend. I felt so worthless and erasable. I did a lot of things I regret, my hand is proof, and I did drastic things that I don't know what I was thinking.
Honestly, I think three people saved my life. One of them was my best friend's boyfriend, he's a Christian and pointed me in the direction of the cross, another was a friend I hardly know who text me all day making sure I was okay, and last, was this one guy, I've known him for quite some time now, I don't know if he's just a good friend, or if we could be something more than that, either way he made me smile on one of the worst days of my life. I thank those three people for saving my life, my wrist doesn't have scars because of you three.

Honestly, I believe God put all three of you in my life to save me from myself. Though only one of you will see this, thanks.

I completly forgot about God when my best friend glared at me with anger, hurt and hate. How? I honestly don't know. I have a burning fire for God, it was put out by this. The devil knows my weakness and he hit it hard. I'm praying God will renew my faith in Him, it's going to be soooo hard to regain, and become close to Him again. But I will do it.

I went to church last Sunday, I went to the middle school service, I'm a high schooler though. I know all the middle school girls and most of the guys, and none of the high schoolers, so I went anyway. Maybe I wasn't supposed to, I don't know. Either way, I know I was supposed to be there. And it wasn't just to talk, to give hugs to my friends, and talk to one of the most amazing people I know, no, it wasn't at all.

During worship, we sang The Stand By Hillsong United, it fit me that moment. It struck me then that I was supposed to be there. When our pastor spoke, talking about brokeness and breaking things, I almost burst into tears, but someone smiled at me and stopped me from crying. I'd broken, I'd also broken many things... I was sooo broken. That service was one small step in my road back to God. As I was talking to a group of my closest friends after service, my phone buzzed. It was my best friend, I ran outside to answer it. We fixed things right then. Amazing right? God is definitly.


Back to the song, Anyway by Martina McBride, I've felt erasable. Like I can let someone in my life, get close to them, love them and they can turn around and completly forget about me. This song is telling me to do it anyway, along with trying my hardest to complete all of my dreams.

The Letters and God

A few months ago, when it first came out, I heard the song If I Die Young by The Band Perry. At the moment, it made me think of an idea for my English assignment I had to write. Two months later, that song became really popular. At this point I thought of something else. What if I died young? Sadistic, maybe, but listen. I started thinking of all the things I'd never told anyone. All the things I'd never said.

I found a yellow notebook that was new. I started off the first page with a prologue, explaining that these letters were to be read only if I died, or if one of the people they were to, was in a life or death situation. I wrote half a letter to my mom, and then started on one to my childhood friend. The next day my grandma had a rountine heart surgery and crashed on the table. Thank You, God, they were able to revive her. The next day I wrote her letter. There's more to that story later.

Next, once my grandma was completly stable, I started writing my best friend's letter. For three years we've been friends. It's been a tough three years of praying for her. Pretty much since we became good friends, she has said she doesn't beleive in God. I've wondered why all along. I rememered how in sixth grade I didn't believe in Him. I thought maybe it was because of her mother, who was and is verbally abusive. I thought maybe never having memories of her parents together was part of it. I thought because her mother believed in God but also verbally abused her, she didn't believe in God. I wrote in the letter for a week, I wrote about the first time we met, how we became friends, our first fight-over God, our next over God, when her and her boyfriend had they're first fight, and how I longed for the day she could see the works of God I saw in her life.

Her and her boyfriend faught a lot this week, so I finally told her how it ripped me apart. Slowly, over the course of the week, after I'd written it down, we started talking about the things in the letter. All our memories, and her and her boyfriend's fights. Yesterday was my Christmas party, and only her and one of our other friends could come. While she was over, her and her boyfriend got into a fight. I cried while they argued over the phone. Eventually, I told her everything their fights did. Somehow the conversation changed to talking about God. And for the first time in three years, I was able to talk to my best friend about the One who saved my life without her getting angry.

All week I've had dreams of talking to her about God. I realize now it was God preparing me to talk to her. Since I found out she didn't believe, I figured she was an atheist and always had been. No. Her belief in God stopped when she became mad at Him. She prayed and prayed and prayed that things would get better between her and her now ex-boyfriend. When she found out he cheated on her, the last of her faith went down the toliet. All along, she's believed in God, but she's been mad at Him.

It's honestly more of a miracle now, I understand where she's coming from, God finally showed me He's mighty to save. My best friend claimed herself to be an atheist, but I know, in her heart she knows God is real, God is there, and one day, she will finally realize God never hurt her, she will realize He is her Saviour and the only One who can heal her brokeness.