What's Happened Since My Last Post (and before)

My Timeline

January 10th ~ The day I first self-injured.
January 16th ~ A fight between my best friend and I led to more "scars".
January 20th ~ The day I found out my grandma was dying.
Febuary 2nd ~ Guilt pains me, promise breaker that I was.
Febuary 7th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend's anniversary; night of the sharpie incident.
Febuary 8th ~ The day I realized I was losing myself.
Febuary 10th, 2011 ~ The day my grandma passed away. Also, the day I struggled to forgive my best friend for. I had no one to turn to that day, she left me because she wasn't strong enough to be there.
Febuary 11thish ~ The blue pills came INCHES from my mouth
Febuary 14th ~ The prayer service, I read my letter. Too strong for tears.
Febuary 15th ~ The funeral, still too strong for tears. Little brother had gut-wrenching sobs at grave site.
Febuary 26th ~ Another fight between my best friend and I. Led to her scars, which led to mine. Also the day I finally told Alex about my suicidal thoughts and actions.
March 1st ~ The first day of the rest of my life, saw Shelli for the first time in years. 2 Timothy 3: 16
March 3rd ~ My notebook is now my best friend, after trying to let go of Mikkala
March 5th ~ A friend's aunt's funeral. Comforted her crying, warning her not to try to be too strong.
March 7th ~ Found out above friend is depressed/suicidal/cutter too. Wondered, how can I even help when I feel like this too?
March 10th ~ The one month anniversary of Grandma's death. I didn't really feel anything.
March 16th ~ Four days of not talking, almost not eating and almost cutting due to a huge fight between me and my best friend. God should be my reason to live
March 18th ~ Failed attempt to be friends again.
March 21st ~ Finally mention to someone that B-I-T-C-H was starting to be carved into my leg. I wanted to either die, or be punched super hard. Ridden with guilt and worry.
March 23rd ~ Wrote a letter to my best friend. A mutual friend suggested I say all that to her instead. I was too chicken.
March 24th ~ Opened eyes after the song Majesty. Best friend and her boyfriend fight, worry ensues like always.
March 27th ~ Another chance at being friends, finally.
March 28th ~ Day I lost my blue bracelet Mikkala gave me [found it, refuse to wear it, for now]
April 4th ~ Spinning, set free? prayer? A day of trying to draw close to God, finding Him, then falling again.
April 5th ~ Facebook message to my five most trusted people about my cutting, including Alex, Leslie, and MaKayla. I break the promise, again.
April 9th ~ Set free from cutting. For good. Or so I thought.
April 16th ~ You need to let your best friend fall. NEVER.
April 27th ~ SET FREE DATE!!!
April 21st-24th ~ Easter without Grandma
April 28th ~ Yet another fight with my best friend.
April 29th ~ Talent show, did well, told I did good. Offered multiple shots of encouragement.
April 30th ~ I pick up my cutting habit, but drop it as soon as I see blood. 23 DAYS BROKEN!
May 2nd ~ "This is too weird..." My best friend wants to fix things, so we do.
May 10th ~ My best friend hangs up on me while on the phone, I was too distracted by... some things online.
May 11th ~ After getting an angry note from my best friend that she didn't want to give me, I didn't know what to say to her. Another "Let's stop being friends." arguement. Turns into the fact that I've sucked all the help out of Mikkala and she needs it to help herself. After seeing my best friend's cuts, I carve an M into my ankle. Leading to a week long cutting streak.
May 14th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend fight. I'm not there to help. She freaks out. I try to calm her down and help.
May 25th ~ LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! A final fight between me and Mikkala. I have to let her go. I just do. She wants to go. She's sick of my depression, she can leave.
May 26 ~ Long decide as the first day of my journey. You need to write a book, says a close friend of mine.


Hmm, I don't know when my last post was on here. I kind of forgot about this blog yet again. I think it's ironic what I called this blog, Beautifully Broken, it really sums up who've I've been lately, who I still am.

It's been almost 4 months since my grandma's death. I never processed it. Too much happened. I went through Hell the last 8 months of my life. My mind became Satan's playground. My heart, open to his firey arrows.

Where do I go from here? How do I stand after such a long, hard, fall?

I put down the knife. I pick up the Bible. I put away the cell phone, put in the Fireflight cd. I get off the chat sites, go to my blog and pour my heart out. It's so much harder than it seems.

Letting go of Mikkala is so much harder than I realized. Getting rid of my desire for "love". Breaking this cutting addiction. Writing the truth in a book. All of this is soooo hard.

I can only rely on the keys to my prison.

Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

American Idols, God's Timing and TWIRP

Wednesday's are my favorite day of the week. Why? Youth service. A lot of my friends think I'm so glad to go to church because I get to see a friend of mine I don't see anywhere else. But that's not entierly why I like it so much, it's not even close. The real reason, I get so much closer to God. This week was no exception.

We sang You Won't Relent during worship, it was a song I needed to hear, it opened my heart to what was in store next. Soon, we started singing the part "Come by the fire inside of me, come be the flame on my heart." That part almost made me cry, it's what I needed, I needed God to come consume me with His fire once again, after the devil and myself had turned it to barely alive embers. We also sang Hosanna, that song gave me the most amazing feeling, and then The More I Seek You, I want to be that song so much!

Our pastor started his lesson, the third part in our American Idols series. It was about King Saul and how he wasn't patient on God, and instead had the mentality most Americans have: We need it now!

Stressful Situations

Selfish Impatience

and Sinful Defiance

were three key points. Every single one of them pointed an arrow straight to me... stressful situations- me, my best friend, show choir, grades, family. Selfish Impatience - I forgot about God last weekend, due to my selfish want to have everything better, I completly forgot that God was still there.
Sinful Defiance - I wanted to end my life this weekend, I didn't, certain people stopped me. But I acted in sinful defiance, as if God was not there or I no longer cared about Him. There are three scrapes on my wrist that will, as long as they last, remind never to forget about God. God caught me in His grace this weekend, I have this second chance and I'm going to use it.

Our pastor also talked a lot about God's timing, that part of the sermon couldn't come at a better time. There's this dance coming up in about a month at school, it's called TWIRP, the girls ask the guys. Some of my friends refuse to go, others have dates, and some others are telling me to ask someone to go. I've thought about it a lot, but what I didn't do was pray about it. I'm going to a lot, I'm just pretty sure God doesn't want me to ask my best guy friend to a school dance. Especially since He basically told me to not date until a while.

And, I'm not exactly sure the guy would say yes, after all he'd feel pretty strange being an eighth grader among high schoolers. So for now, I'll be content with the way he makes me laugh, how he makes me smile when I didn't think I'd smile, and be happy he always reminds me that God is there. God used him to save my life, maybe, just maybe, one day, in God's timing, we'll be more then friends.