For the past two days I've been thinking about lying. What is it exactly?
Supposedly, its telling something other than the truth. But what if it was an accidental lie? You thought something was true, but it ended up not being? Or what if you were lying to protect someone? What if you were lying, so you didn't hurt someone? Is that really considered lying?
What if everyone just told you the flat-out truth? What would the world be like? ...Honestly, that just gave me a huge new story idea... anyway, back to the subject.
How many people lie everyday? How many faces that you pass are just faking a smile? How many people, underneath, are crumbling? How many people lie to your face everyday?
I try not to lie. My parents know almost everything about me. Lately, I've wondered if I could lie to them. I tried, twice. I could. And I can only imagine how many others lie to the parents daily. Maybe it's to protect their drug habit, maybe so they don't get in trouble, maybe so their family doesn't fall apart, maybe so they don't get kicked out of the house, or maybe, it's because they don't want anyone to know they are falling apart.
I hate lying. Especially to my mom. I've lied only about four times to my mom. I'm glad I can tell her things. But sometimes I don't want to, so I avoid the subject.
Maybe you want to know why I've been thinking about lying. The other day my best friend said an accidental lie. It hurt me to know my best friend could lie to me and I couldn't tell.
I talked to her about it later, and she said, "If I really wanted to, I could lie to you." She has no idea how much that statement made my heart jump. I already know she used to be suicidal, what if she's lying when she says she's not? We have a mutual friend, and I'm afraid she cuts. It just made me think, how many people I talk to lie about how they are?
A girl post depressing status on facebook, no one comments, next week that girl is gone. When asked, her friends say, "But she never told us anything was wrong." "She said she was okay."
Where were they when their friend needed them to see through her lies?
The website sixbillionsecrets.com terrifies me, because who knows who's secrets they are. What if they're what's really inside my best friend's heart and I can't see it?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
The Letters and God
A few months ago, when it first came out, I heard the song If I Die Young by The Band Perry. At the moment, it made me think of an idea for my English assignment I had to write. Two months later, that song became really popular. At this point I thought of something else. What if I died young? Sadistic, maybe, but listen. I started thinking of all the things I'd never told anyone. All the things I'd never said.
I found a yellow notebook that was new. I started off the first page with a prologue, explaining that these letters were to be read only if I died, or if one of the people they were to, was in a life or death situation. I wrote half a letter to my mom, and then started on one to my childhood friend. The next day my grandma had a rountine heart surgery and crashed on the table. Thank You, God, they were able to revive her. The next day I wrote her letter. There's more to that story later.
Next, once my grandma was completly stable, I started writing my best friend's letter. For three years we've been friends. It's been a tough three years of praying for her. Pretty much since we became good friends, she has said she doesn't beleive in God. I've wondered why all along. I rememered how in sixth grade I didn't believe in Him. I thought maybe it was because of her mother, who was and is verbally abusive. I thought maybe never having memories of her parents together was part of it. I thought because her mother believed in God but also verbally abused her, she didn't believe in God. I wrote in the letter for a week, I wrote about the first time we met, how we became friends, our first fight-over God, our next over God, when her and her boyfriend had they're first fight, and how I longed for the day she could see the works of God I saw in her life.
Her and her boyfriend faught a lot this week, so I finally told her how it ripped me apart. Slowly, over the course of the week, after I'd written it down, we started talking about the things in the letter. All our memories, and her and her boyfriend's fights. Yesterday was my Christmas party, and only her and one of our other friends could come. While she was over, her and her boyfriend got into a fight. I cried while they argued over the phone. Eventually, I told her everything their fights did. Somehow the conversation changed to talking about God. And for the first time in three years, I was able to talk to my best friend about the One who saved my life without her getting angry.
All week I've had dreams of talking to her about God. I realize now it was God preparing me to talk to her. Since I found out she didn't believe, I figured she was an atheist and always had been. No. Her belief in God stopped when she became mad at Him. She prayed and prayed and prayed that things would get better between her and her now ex-boyfriend. When she found out he cheated on her, the last of her faith went down the toliet. All along, she's believed in God, but she's been mad at Him.
It's honestly more of a miracle now, I understand where she's coming from, God finally showed me He's mighty to save. My best friend claimed herself to be an atheist, but I know, in her heart she knows God is real, God is there, and one day, she will finally realize God never hurt her, she will realize He is her Saviour and the only One who can heal her brokeness.
I found a yellow notebook that was new. I started off the first page with a prologue, explaining that these letters were to be read only if I died, or if one of the people they were to, was in a life or death situation. I wrote half a letter to my mom, and then started on one to my childhood friend. The next day my grandma had a rountine heart surgery and crashed on the table. Thank You, God, they were able to revive her. The next day I wrote her letter. There's more to that story later.
Next, once my grandma was completly stable, I started writing my best friend's letter. For three years we've been friends. It's been a tough three years of praying for her. Pretty much since we became good friends, she has said she doesn't beleive in God. I've wondered why all along. I rememered how in sixth grade I didn't believe in Him. I thought maybe it was because of her mother, who was and is verbally abusive. I thought maybe never having memories of her parents together was part of it. I thought because her mother believed in God but also verbally abused her, she didn't believe in God. I wrote in the letter for a week, I wrote about the first time we met, how we became friends, our first fight-over God, our next over God, when her and her boyfriend had they're first fight, and how I longed for the day she could see the works of God I saw in her life.
Her and her boyfriend faught a lot this week, so I finally told her how it ripped me apart. Slowly, over the course of the week, after I'd written it down, we started talking about the things in the letter. All our memories, and her and her boyfriend's fights. Yesterday was my Christmas party, and only her and one of our other friends could come. While she was over, her and her boyfriend got into a fight. I cried while they argued over the phone. Eventually, I told her everything their fights did. Somehow the conversation changed to talking about God. And for the first time in three years, I was able to talk to my best friend about the One who saved my life without her getting angry.
All week I've had dreams of talking to her about God. I realize now it was God preparing me to talk to her. Since I found out she didn't believe, I figured she was an atheist and always had been. No. Her belief in God stopped when she became mad at Him. She prayed and prayed and prayed that things would get better between her and her now ex-boyfriend. When she found out he cheated on her, the last of her faith went down the toliet. All along, she's believed in God, but she's been mad at Him.
It's honestly more of a miracle now, I understand where she's coming from, God finally showed me He's mighty to save. My best friend claimed herself to be an atheist, but I know, in her heart she knows God is real, God is there, and one day, she will finally realize God never hurt her, she will realize He is her Saviour and the only One who can heal her brokeness.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Redefining
Words have definitions, you know those ones that seem to be set in stone. Then there's those words that everyone just thinks mean something. Like all the labels people put on each other. Emo means you're depressed and wear all black. Prep means you're stuck up and rich. There's tons more. I hate the way we do that. How we forget true meanings of words, replace them with traditions or stereotypes. I've witnessed two majors of these in the last months.
1. The words "Best Friend" - How many teenage girls say they have best friends? Almost every single one. How many don't? I don't know. I'm guessing a lot of people were me. I thought I had friends. Thought they were my best friends. But did we ever really know what that meant? I sure didn't. I thought it was like what you hear, sleepovers, talking about boys, makeup, and clothes. But how come, when I had that, it didn't feel right, I couldn't trust anyone and always felt like I was pretending to be someone I'm not. We've created this mold for best friends. It has to be just like so or they must not be friends. Well, I'm sorry, that's not right. You can have best friends who've gone through stuff. You can have best friends who talk about things other than guys, makeup, and clothes. You can have best friends who you laugh with... and cry with. You can have a best friend who knows that friendship truly is just another form of love. I'm redefining friendship. Starting now.
2. The Psychologist/Counselor/Shrink Bubble - How many have heard the word shrink? Almost everyone. No one can stand them. The annoying counselor who falls asleep during a session, the one who doesn't even give a care, the one who just suggests medicine and other doctors, the one who's just in it for the money. But most of all, who's going to tell all their problems to a random stranger? My goal is to redefine this role. I want the word counselor to mean what it should of meant all along. The dictionary defines counselor as one who gives advice, an adviser. Yes, that is true. But a counseler needs to know someone, truly know them. You know how easy it is to lie to a counseler? I sure do. Sixth grade, I lied to one. Pretending I was okay, when I was on the verge of suicidal. It's easy to pretend to be okay. Especially to a complete stranger. My best friend agrees with me that teens need someone like themselves, a younger person they can trust. Like a 20 something, easy going understanding, not in for the money person. That's who I want to be. Redefine counseler as someone who gives advice that you can trust, that can be your best friend and there whenever you need them.
1. The words "Best Friend" - How many teenage girls say they have best friends? Almost every single one. How many don't? I don't know. I'm guessing a lot of people were me. I thought I had friends. Thought they were my best friends. But did we ever really know what that meant? I sure didn't. I thought it was like what you hear, sleepovers, talking about boys, makeup, and clothes. But how come, when I had that, it didn't feel right, I couldn't trust anyone and always felt like I was pretending to be someone I'm not. We've created this mold for best friends. It has to be just like so or they must not be friends. Well, I'm sorry, that's not right. You can have best friends who've gone through stuff. You can have best friends who talk about things other than guys, makeup, and clothes. You can have best friends who you laugh with... and cry with. You can have a best friend who knows that friendship truly is just another form of love. I'm redefining friendship. Starting now.
2. The Psychologist/Counselor/Shrink Bubble - How many have heard the word shrink? Almost everyone. No one can stand them. The annoying counselor who falls asleep during a session, the one who doesn't even give a care, the one who just suggests medicine and other doctors, the one who's just in it for the money. But most of all, who's going to tell all their problems to a random stranger? My goal is to redefine this role. I want the word counselor to mean what it should of meant all along. The dictionary defines counselor as one who gives advice, an adviser. Yes, that is true. But a counseler needs to know someone, truly know them. You know how easy it is to lie to a counseler? I sure do. Sixth grade, I lied to one. Pretending I was okay, when I was on the verge of suicidal. It's easy to pretend to be okay. Especially to a complete stranger. My best friend agrees with me that teens need someone like themselves, a younger person they can trust. Like a 20 something, easy going understanding, not in for the money person. That's who I want to be. Redefine counseler as someone who gives advice that you can trust, that can be your best friend and there whenever you need them.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Why???
A question so many, many ask. Think about how many times we here that word in a day.
"Why do we have to get up?"
"Why is the sky blue?"
"But, Mom, why??"
Everyone of us wonders why about things. Different things, yes, but still wonder. I don't wonder about why I'm here, or if God is real, or those kinds of things. I wonder odd things. I wonder things like :
"Why does she do that?"
"Why is he like that?
"Why do we act like that?"
Call me weird, call me investigative. Either way, I wonder these things. Think about it. I wonder why the girl in my biology always lets this one kid cheat off her. I wonder why my best friend always puts on a strong facade for everyone but me to believe. I wonder why my other best friend doesn't just tell someone about what she's gone through. I wonder why certain people act the way they do. I wonder why that girl who sits next to me in 3rd period is known to be a s***. I wonder why one of my lunch buddies smokes. I wonder why my best friend's mom is considered bipolar. I wonder things like that. Why are we the way we are? What's underneath the layers we put on?
I want a degree in Abnormal Psych, I'm not sure if it's even possible to get a degree in that specific area but that's what I want. I want to study the unusal patterns of emotions, behavoir and thoughts. It could be described as the study of mental disorders. But it's not. Yes, I want to study things like depression, bipolar disorder, multiple personality disorder etc. But I want to study our emotions and how and why, I want to help those hurting. I want to study the effects of abuse, rape, and violence on someone. I want to help those who have thoughts of suicide. Those who are at the end of their rope.
So tell me why, why, why?
Why do we forget to keep our hearts safe?
"Why do we have to get up?"
"Why is the sky blue?"
"But, Mom, why??"
Everyone of us wonders why about things. Different things, yes, but still wonder. I don't wonder about why I'm here, or if God is real, or those kinds of things. I wonder odd things. I wonder things like :
"Why does she do that?"
"Why is he like that?
"Why do we act like that?"
Call me weird, call me investigative. Either way, I wonder these things. Think about it. I wonder why the girl in my biology always lets this one kid cheat off her. I wonder why my best friend always puts on a strong facade for everyone but me to believe. I wonder why my other best friend doesn't just tell someone about what she's gone through. I wonder why certain people act the way they do. I wonder why that girl who sits next to me in 3rd period is known to be a s***. I wonder why one of my lunch buddies smokes. I wonder why my best friend's mom is considered bipolar. I wonder things like that. Why are we the way we are? What's underneath the layers we put on?
I want a degree in Abnormal Psych, I'm not sure if it's even possible to get a degree in that specific area but that's what I want. I want to study the unusal patterns of emotions, behavoir and thoughts. It could be described as the study of mental disorders. But it's not. Yes, I want to study things like depression, bipolar disorder, multiple personality disorder etc. But I want to study our emotions and how and why, I want to help those hurting. I want to study the effects of abuse, rape, and violence on someone. I want to help those who have thoughts of suicide. Those who are at the end of their rope.
So tell me why, why, why?
Why do we forget to keep our hearts safe?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Meaning Behind It All
I have a song that uses those lyrics ^^^ yes, random I know.
Anyway, I'm here to explain the title of my blog aka the meaning behind it.
I really love this whole blogging thing, I just want to type and type and type some more, maybe I'm just strange...
Okay, back on task. My blog is called "Beautifully Broken." Why?
Ever heard the song Broken & Beautiful by Mark Schultz? If you have, great, it's truly a very good song! My blog would be called Broken and Beautiful but that's stealing the title, so it's Beautifully Broken. It implies how all of us are broken. Just look around you, that girl in seventh period with the love for cookies: she's really a terrified victim. That girl every calls a s***, she's really just looking for love she doesn't find at home. That girl who seems to be so strong: she's really falling apart and at her last resort. The mom who voulenteers for everything : A women lost in depression. The lady you passed in the grocery store: a women struggling with her past. That guy in black standing on the corner, some say he's a stoner, but he's really just trying to escape the lies.
Every single one of us is broken. Or we used to be. Of six billion people in this world, around half struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide. I created this blog, since I do not have the means of creating a website. I want with all my heart to create a website devoted to helping those who are struggling. Yes, we have organizations like TWLOHA, and websites like sixbillionsecrets, but TWLOHA supports are few and far between. And sixbillionsecrets is a site where your secret has to be voted on just to be published. No one gets the help they need.
So here I am, I want to start something new, something real, something that will help! I was there, I was broken, suicidal, God saved my life. I don't want Beautifully Broken to shove God down people's throats. No way. I want people to stand up! Step up! Be heros! Those of us who are no longer broken, those of us who know how to over come things, to reach out!
Teen suicide rates have gone up. I know at least two of my best friends have thoughts like that daily, two of three! I strive to be there for my friends, anytime they need it. And I'm not stopping there. I'm going to start this revolution if it takes everything I've got! Starting with this blog, maybe people will join me, maybe they won't, maybe my words will give someone hope, either way I'm doing it. If anyone needs someone to talk to, email me. I will check every single day. Maybe no one will even read this, but it still will not stop me. Because lives can and will be saved, but it takes a hero to change the course of history. That, is the meaning behind this blog.0
Anyway, I'm here to explain the title of my blog aka the meaning behind it.
I really love this whole blogging thing, I just want to type and type and type some more, maybe I'm just strange...
Okay, back on task. My blog is called "Beautifully Broken." Why?
Ever heard the song Broken & Beautiful by Mark Schultz? If you have, great, it's truly a very good song! My blog would be called Broken and Beautiful but that's stealing the title, so it's Beautifully Broken. It implies how all of us are broken. Just look around you, that girl in seventh period with the love for cookies: she's really a terrified victim. That girl every calls a s***, she's really just looking for love she doesn't find at home. That girl who seems to be so strong: she's really falling apart and at her last resort. The mom who voulenteers for everything : A women lost in depression. The lady you passed in the grocery store: a women struggling with her past. That guy in black standing on the corner, some say he's a stoner, but he's really just trying to escape the lies.
Every single one of us is broken. Or we used to be. Of six billion people in this world, around half struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide. I created this blog, since I do not have the means of creating a website. I want with all my heart to create a website devoted to helping those who are struggling. Yes, we have organizations like TWLOHA, and websites like sixbillionsecrets, but TWLOHA supports are few and far between. And sixbillionsecrets is a site where your secret has to be voted on just to be published. No one gets the help they need.
So here I am, I want to start something new, something real, something that will help! I was there, I was broken, suicidal, God saved my life. I don't want Beautifully Broken to shove God down people's throats. No way. I want people to stand up! Step up! Be heros! Those of us who are no longer broken, those of us who know how to over come things, to reach out!
Teen suicide rates have gone up. I know at least two of my best friends have thoughts like that daily, two of three! I strive to be there for my friends, anytime they need it. And I'm not stopping there. I'm going to start this revolution if it takes everything I've got! Starting with this blog, maybe people will join me, maybe they won't, maybe my words will give someone hope, either way I'm doing it. If anyone needs someone to talk to, email me. I will check every single day. Maybe no one will even read this, but it still will not stop me. Because lives can and will be saved, but it takes a hero to change the course of history. That, is the meaning behind this blog.0
Welcome
Well, welcome to my new blog! If you find this, good for you, maybe something I say might actually help someone, who knows. Now, time for a little introduction.
I'm Kerri, and I'm just another teen blogger. Okay, that's a down-right lie. I'm different, crazy, and down-right strange sometimes.
I don't have an overly keen sense of fashion like some, I'm not incrediably poetic (in fact, I really don't even think poetry is my weak suit, more like down-right horrible suit.), I don't have any crazy emotional things to tell, and I'm pretty much clueless when it comes to romance.
Here's what I do have: I'm a teenager, with three amazing best friends, a good guy friend, another guy who makes me laugh a lot, a strange ability to write song lyrics but they are NOT poetic, a love of writing fiction, a chance at a show choir solo, one 56,000 word manuscript sitting on my desk, a 3-inch binder of stories and ex-stories, and a faith in God that is immovable.
I created this for two reasons, a place to share anything I need and want to, and a place for me to give/get advice. According to my best friend, I give good advice when her and her boyfriend fight. This is probably because I've read more teen dating books than almost anyone. I'll probably put some of songs on here. I'll be very happy when people read them :)
This is me blog, welcome to it :) I'll explain it's title next post. I think I used down-right a few too many times this post... :P
<3
I'm Kerri, and I'm just another teen blogger. Okay, that's a down-right lie. I'm different, crazy, and down-right strange sometimes.
I don't have an overly keen sense of fashion like some, I'm not incrediably poetic (in fact, I really don't even think poetry is my weak suit, more like down-right horrible suit.), I don't have any crazy emotional things to tell, and I'm pretty much clueless when it comes to romance.
Here's what I do have: I'm a teenager, with three amazing best friends, a good guy friend, another guy who makes me laugh a lot, a strange ability to write song lyrics but they are NOT poetic, a love of writing fiction, a chance at a show choir solo, one 56,000 word manuscript sitting on my desk, a 3-inch binder of stories and ex-stories, and a faith in God that is immovable.
I created this for two reasons, a place to share anything I need and want to, and a place for me to give/get advice. According to my best friend, I give good advice when her and her boyfriend fight. This is probably because I've read more teen dating books than almost anyone. I'll probably put some of songs on here. I'll be very happy when people read them :)
This is me blog, welcome to it :) I'll explain it's title next post. I think I used down-right a few too many times this post... :P
<3
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