I'm scared. My grandma is dying. She has anywhere from 3 days to a month to no one knows. My family's falling apart. I have my first show choir competition in about a week.
When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."
She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
American Idols, God's Timing and TWIRP
Wednesday's are my favorite day of the week. Why? Youth service. A lot of my friends think I'm so glad to go to church because I get to see a friend of mine I don't see anywhere else. But that's not entierly why I like it so much, it's not even close. The real reason, I get so much closer to God. This week was no exception.
We sang You Won't Relent during worship, it was a song I needed to hear, it opened my heart to what was in store next. Soon, we started singing the part "Come by the fire inside of me, come be the flame on my heart." That part almost made me cry, it's what I needed, I needed God to come consume me with His fire once again, after the devil and myself had turned it to barely alive embers. We also sang Hosanna, that song gave me the most amazing feeling, and then The More I Seek You, I want to be that song so much!
Our pastor started his lesson, the third part in our American Idols series. It was about King Saul and how he wasn't patient on God, and instead had the mentality most Americans have: We need it now!
Stressful Situations
Selfish Impatience
and Sinful Defiance
were three key points. Every single one of them pointed an arrow straight to me... stressful situations- me, my best friend, show choir, grades, family. Selfish Impatience - I forgot about God last weekend, due to my selfish want to have everything better, I completly forgot that God was still there.
Sinful Defiance - I wanted to end my life this weekend, I didn't, certain people stopped me. But I acted in sinful defiance, as if God was not there or I no longer cared about Him. There are three scrapes on my wrist that will, as long as they last, remind never to forget about God. God caught me in His grace this weekend, I have this second chance and I'm going to use it.
Our pastor also talked a lot about God's timing, that part of the sermon couldn't come at a better time. There's this dance coming up in about a month at school, it's called TWIRP, the girls ask the guys. Some of my friends refuse to go, others have dates, and some others are telling me to ask someone to go. I've thought about it a lot, but what I didn't do was pray about it. I'm going to a lot, I'm just pretty sure God doesn't want me to ask my best guy friend to a school dance. Especially since He basically told me to not date until a while.
And, I'm not exactly sure the guy would say yes, after all he'd feel pretty strange being an eighth grader among high schoolers. So for now, I'll be content with the way he makes me laugh, how he makes me smile when I didn't think I'd smile, and be happy he always reminds me that God is there. God used him to save my life, maybe, just maybe, one day, in God's timing, we'll be more then friends.
We sang You Won't Relent during worship, it was a song I needed to hear, it opened my heart to what was in store next. Soon, we started singing the part "Come by the fire inside of me, come be the flame on my heart." That part almost made me cry, it's what I needed, I needed God to come consume me with His fire once again, after the devil and myself had turned it to barely alive embers. We also sang Hosanna, that song gave me the most amazing feeling, and then The More I Seek You, I want to be that song so much!
Our pastor started his lesson, the third part in our American Idols series. It was about King Saul and how he wasn't patient on God, and instead had the mentality most Americans have: We need it now!
Stressful Situations
Selfish Impatience
and Sinful Defiance
were three key points. Every single one of them pointed an arrow straight to me... stressful situations- me, my best friend, show choir, grades, family. Selfish Impatience - I forgot about God last weekend, due to my selfish want to have everything better, I completly forgot that God was still there.
Sinful Defiance - I wanted to end my life this weekend, I didn't, certain people stopped me. But I acted in sinful defiance, as if God was not there or I no longer cared about Him. There are three scrapes on my wrist that will, as long as they last, remind never to forget about God. God caught me in His grace this weekend, I have this second chance and I'm going to use it.
Our pastor also talked a lot about God's timing, that part of the sermon couldn't come at a better time. There's this dance coming up in about a month at school, it's called TWIRP, the girls ask the guys. Some of my friends refuse to go, others have dates, and some others are telling me to ask someone to go. I've thought about it a lot, but what I didn't do was pray about it. I'm going to a lot, I'm just pretty sure God doesn't want me to ask my best guy friend to a school dance. Especially since He basically told me to not date until a while.
And, I'm not exactly sure the guy would say yes, after all he'd feel pretty strange being an eighth grader among high schoolers. So for now, I'll be content with the way he makes me laugh, how he makes me smile when I didn't think I'd smile, and be happy he always reminds me that God is there. God used him to save my life, maybe, just maybe, one day, in God's timing, we'll be more then friends.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Anyway
There's a song called Anyway by Martina McBride. It's one of few country songs I'll listen to, and boy, it's really helping me right now.
I got into a huge fight with my best friend over the weekend. I felt so worthless and erasable. I did a lot of things I regret, my hand is proof, and I did drastic things that I don't know what I was thinking.
Honestly, I think three people saved my life. One of them was my best friend's boyfriend, he's a Christian and pointed me in the direction of the cross, another was a friend I hardly know who text me all day making sure I was okay, and last, was this one guy, I've known him for quite some time now, I don't know if he's just a good friend, or if we could be something more than that, either way he made me smile on one of the worst days of my life. I thank those three people for saving my life, my wrist doesn't have scars because of you three.
Honestly, I believe God put all three of you in my life to save me from myself. Though only one of you will see this, thanks.
I completly forgot about God when my best friend glared at me with anger, hurt and hate. How? I honestly don't know. I have a burning fire for God, it was put out by this. The devil knows my weakness and he hit it hard. I'm praying God will renew my faith in Him, it's going to be soooo hard to regain, and become close to Him again. But I will do it.
I went to church last Sunday, I went to the middle school service, I'm a high schooler though. I know all the middle school girls and most of the guys, and none of the high schoolers, so I went anyway. Maybe I wasn't supposed to, I don't know. Either way, I know I was supposed to be there. And it wasn't just to talk, to give hugs to my friends, and talk to one of the most amazing people I know, no, it wasn't at all.
During worship, we sang The Stand By Hillsong United, it fit me that moment. It struck me then that I was supposed to be there. When our pastor spoke, talking about brokeness and breaking things, I almost burst into tears, but someone smiled at me and stopped me from crying. I'd broken, I'd also broken many things... I was sooo broken. That service was one small step in my road back to God. As I was talking to a group of my closest friends after service, my phone buzzed. It was my best friend, I ran outside to answer it. We fixed things right then. Amazing right? God is definitly.
Back to the song, Anyway by Martina McBride, I've felt erasable. Like I can let someone in my life, get close to them, love them and they can turn around and completly forget about me. This song is telling me to do it anyway, along with trying my hardest to complete all of my dreams.
I got into a huge fight with my best friend over the weekend. I felt so worthless and erasable. I did a lot of things I regret, my hand is proof, and I did drastic things that I don't know what I was thinking.
Honestly, I think three people saved my life. One of them was my best friend's boyfriend, he's a Christian and pointed me in the direction of the cross, another was a friend I hardly know who text me all day making sure I was okay, and last, was this one guy, I've known him for quite some time now, I don't know if he's just a good friend, or if we could be something more than that, either way he made me smile on one of the worst days of my life. I thank those three people for saving my life, my wrist doesn't have scars because of you three.
Honestly, I believe God put all three of you in my life to save me from myself. Though only one of you will see this, thanks.
I completly forgot about God when my best friend glared at me with anger, hurt and hate. How? I honestly don't know. I have a burning fire for God, it was put out by this. The devil knows my weakness and he hit it hard. I'm praying God will renew my faith in Him, it's going to be soooo hard to regain, and become close to Him again. But I will do it.
I went to church last Sunday, I went to the middle school service, I'm a high schooler though. I know all the middle school girls and most of the guys, and none of the high schoolers, so I went anyway. Maybe I wasn't supposed to, I don't know. Either way, I know I was supposed to be there. And it wasn't just to talk, to give hugs to my friends, and talk to one of the most amazing people I know, no, it wasn't at all.
During worship, we sang The Stand By Hillsong United, it fit me that moment. It struck me then that I was supposed to be there. When our pastor spoke, talking about brokeness and breaking things, I almost burst into tears, but someone smiled at me and stopped me from crying. I'd broken, I'd also broken many things... I was sooo broken. That service was one small step in my road back to God. As I was talking to a group of my closest friends after service, my phone buzzed. It was my best friend, I ran outside to answer it. We fixed things right then. Amazing right? God is definitly.
Back to the song, Anyway by Martina McBride, I've felt erasable. Like I can let someone in my life, get close to them, love them and they can turn around and completly forget about me. This song is telling me to do it anyway, along with trying my hardest to complete all of my dreams.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Billion Thoughts
You know the days when your mind races? It's trying to catch up with everything that happened in the last minute? Last hour? Last day? Last week? Month? Year? I seem to have a lot of those days. Days when the world is spinning faster then I can keep up. Today was another one of those days. I can't help but wonder how many more are to come.
But as quickly as it spun out of control, it came back into focus. Writing a lot, praying some and God turned things around. I still have questions, I may ask why, but no matter what I can't deny that God doesn't work.
You brought a smile to my face when the world was spinning too fast. Thank you for that, you showed me God was still there, even if it didn't feel like or you never said it. You will never know how much that means to me.
I still want to type many other things, but I have some other things I need to do, like write letters and look up a Bible verse. I will post again soon, promise.
But as quickly as it spun out of control, it came back into focus. Writing a lot, praying some and God turned things around. I still have questions, I may ask why, but no matter what I can't deny that God doesn't work.
You brought a smile to my face when the world was spinning too fast. Thank you for that, you showed me God was still there, even if it didn't feel like or you never said it. You will never know how much that means to me.
I still want to type many other things, but I have some other things I need to do, like write letters and look up a Bible verse. I will post again soon, promise.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A New Year
Well, it's 2011. I spend the first five minutes of this year worshiping the God who is stronger than anything, I'd say that's a good start to the year :)
I have a lot I want to talk about in here. Basically, the last days of 2010 were hard, 2010 was a hard year. And January 1 that's all I could think about. It didn't help that my best friend and I had (and fixed) one of our bad fights a few days before the new year.
On January 1, she mentioned how whenever she said lovey-dovey stuff about her boyfriend, I'd say it was disturbing or gross, even though it wasn't. I explained why to her. She understood but then she said this,
"I've wanted to thank you for a while and I feel this is the time. Thank you for suggesting to strengthen mine and his bond. They've helped more than you can think :) he now trusts me 100% and I trust him 99%. Compared to 95% and 91% before. So thank you, I don't know where we'd be without you :) "
I denyed I helped. I can't believe I did. All the years I'd fail to help people, all the years people ignored, all the years I was called names... they came back to me. They told me I could never help ever. I hadn't helped them, it wasn't possible, I didn't know what I was doing, after all what did I know about relationships? I haven't had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. That is exactly what I told my best friend. She told me this:
"I thank you for being sane and thinking things thru while we were fighting and on top of that you came up with a way for us to fight less that actually worked. We knew we had to trust each other more, but we didn't know how. Until your ideas .... We haven't had a huge long fight in a long time. We have fought a little but we solved it alot quicker than we would've before. and things I would've taken off in rage about, I understand. All of this happened because of your help. That's why I thank you."
Once again I couldn't believe it, I denyed it with everything I had. I reminded her of all the people I couldn't help. And how just a few days ago, we had had a fight because I hadn't helped her when she needed me. She told me this,
"You are making me sad. You help. And you know I only said that out of confusion and frustration. things could be much worse if you didn't help... there could be no Zac, and no Peyton, there could be no Alena at our table. I know you helped that girl in your study hall too. And the rest of that is in the past. Look at now look at all the things that are now that happened because of your help, without your need to help there wouldn't be a me and Treiton. It'd be me or Treiton... not together.. or maybe not even a me... but because of you I'm here. And we are together. Because you DID help. Because you DO help. Because you are Kerri. My caring best friend. The girl that people ignore that does more good than any dressed up super hero. That will one day be more than she thinks she can be."
I don't tell you this to feel good about myself. I tell you this to show you something that scared me. My best friend is alive because of me. So many people would be so much worse, but apparently I stepped in. And you know what I thought? It's not me. It's God. He put me in the midst of all these hurting people. He lets me hear them out, when no one else does. One person can make a difference, one person can save a life, one person can reach out, one person can heal pain, one person can fix a broken heart, one person can fix a failing relationship, one life can change the world, I can only do it because of God's help. I'm on my way to changing the world, helping and it starts now, in 2011. Will you join me?
I have a lot I want to talk about in here. Basically, the last days of 2010 were hard, 2010 was a hard year. And January 1 that's all I could think about. It didn't help that my best friend and I had (and fixed) one of our bad fights a few days before the new year.
On January 1, she mentioned how whenever she said lovey-dovey stuff about her boyfriend, I'd say it was disturbing or gross, even though it wasn't. I explained why to her. She understood but then she said this,
"I've wanted to thank you for a while and I feel this is the time. Thank you for suggesting to strengthen mine and his bond. They've helped more than you can think :) he now trusts me 100% and I trust him 99%. Compared to 95% and 91% before. So thank you, I don't know where we'd be without you :) "
I denyed I helped. I can't believe I did. All the years I'd fail to help people, all the years people ignored, all the years I was called names... they came back to me. They told me I could never help ever. I hadn't helped them, it wasn't possible, I didn't know what I was doing, after all what did I know about relationships? I haven't had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. That is exactly what I told my best friend. She told me this:
"I thank you for being sane and thinking things thru while we were fighting and on top of that you came up with a way for us to fight less that actually worked. We knew we had to trust each other more, but we didn't know how. Until your ideas .... We haven't had a huge long fight in a long time. We have fought a little but we solved it alot quicker than we would've before. and things I would've taken off in rage about, I understand. All of this happened because of your help. That's why I thank you."
Once again I couldn't believe it, I denyed it with everything I had. I reminded her of all the people I couldn't help. And how just a few days ago, we had had a fight because I hadn't helped her when she needed me. She told me this,
"You are making me sad. You help. And you know I only said that out of confusion and frustration. things could be much worse if you didn't help... there could be no Zac, and no Peyton, there could be no Alena at our table. I know you helped that girl in your study hall too. And the rest of that is in the past. Look at now look at all the things that are now that happened because of your help, without your need to help there wouldn't be a me and Treiton. It'd be me or Treiton... not together.. or maybe not even a me... but because of you I'm here. And we are together. Because you DID help. Because you DO help. Because you are Kerri. My caring best friend. The girl that people ignore that does more good than any dressed up super hero. That will one day be more than she thinks she can be."
I don't tell you this to feel good about myself. I tell you this to show you something that scared me. My best friend is alive because of me. So many people would be so much worse, but apparently I stepped in. And you know what I thought? It's not me. It's God. He put me in the midst of all these hurting people. He lets me hear them out, when no one else does. One person can make a difference, one person can save a life, one person can reach out, one person can heal pain, one person can fix a broken heart, one person can fix a failing relationship, one life can change the world, I can only do it because of God's help. I'm on my way to changing the world, helping and it starts now, in 2011. Will you join me?
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