Next Monday I leave for church camp. I'm excited, but hesistant at the same time. My mind and heart are not ready for this. I'm too scared to let God back in and change things. My heart and soul are locked up tight and I'm too scared to go to the One with the key.
Ever heard of the song Maybe I'm Afraid by Kerrie Roberts? That song fits me to a tee. I'm too scared to change. I want to stay the same, I think. I'm too afraid of being mended.
I know I hide nothing from God no matter how hard I try, but being unable to talk about the things inside me, or my thoughts keeps me from drawing closer to Him. My inability to show emotion is really hindering me.
One of my friends says she has a feeling God is going to do something amazing in my life at camp. But I have to prepare for it. Her suggestion was pray, fast, just spending time with God, and read my Bible. All things I struggle with.
I want to be close to God, I do. But it seems so hard, like I've fallen so far and I'm climbing up these icy slick-smooth walls. And all the while there's a hand trying to pull me back.
How can I do this? How can I even prepare, let alone be opened and changed?
I struggle with praying. I'm not honest with myself, how can I be with God?
I'm afraid of fasting, due to my struggle with body image, I'm afraid fasting might put me into a place of not eating that would lead to a worse place. Plus my parents don't support fasting at all.
Spending time with God is the hardest thing, the only place I feel Him is at church during worship, I know He's everywhere, but I need quiet or music to be able to even feel like it's possible to be near God.
I can possible read my Bible. I like reading and I have a million different versions of the Bible.
"I'm asking You to be strong enough, for the both of us." ~ Strong Enough by Matthew West.
I think I just found my answer. I'm not strong enough to prepare for camp. But He is.
He can move the mountains. He can walk on water. He can prepare my heart for what's to come.
Philippians 4: 13
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
What's Happened Since My Last Post (and before)
My Timeline
January 10th ~ The day I first self-injured.
January 16th ~ A fight between my best friend and I led to more "scars".
January 20th ~ The day I found out my grandma was dying.
Febuary 2nd ~ Guilt pains me, promise breaker that I was.
Febuary 7th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend's anniversary; night of the sharpie incident.
Febuary 8th ~ The day I realized I was losing myself.
Febuary 10th, 2011 ~ The day my grandma passed away. Also, the day I struggled to forgive my best friend for. I had no one to turn to that day, she left me because she wasn't strong enough to be there.
Febuary 11thish ~ The blue pills came INCHES from my mouth
Febuary 14th ~ The prayer service, I read my letter. Too strong for tears.
Febuary 15th ~ The funeral, still too strong for tears. Little brother had gut-wrenching sobs at grave site.
Febuary 26th ~ Another fight between my best friend and I. Led to her scars, which led to mine. Also the day I finally told Alex about my suicidal thoughts and actions.
March 1st ~ The first day of the rest of my life, saw Shelli for the first time in years. 2 Timothy 3: 16
March 3rd ~ My notebook is now my best friend, after trying to let go of Mikkala
March 5th ~ A friend's aunt's funeral. Comforted her crying, warning her not to try to be too strong.
March 7th ~ Found out above friend is depressed/suicidal/cutter too. Wondered, how can I even help when I feel like this too?
March 10th ~ The one month anniversary of Grandma's death. I didn't really feel anything.
March 16th ~ Four days of not talking, almost not eating and almost cutting due to a huge fight between me and my best friend. God should be my reason to live
March 18th ~ Failed attempt to be friends again.
March 21st ~ Finally mention to someone that B-I-T-C-H was starting to be carved into my leg. I wanted to either die, or be punched super hard. Ridden with guilt and worry.
March 23rd ~ Wrote a letter to my best friend. A mutual friend suggested I say all that to her instead. I was too chicken.
March 24th ~ Opened eyes after the song Majesty. Best friend and her boyfriend fight, worry ensues like always.
March 27th ~ Another chance at being friends, finally.
March 28th ~ Day I lost my blue bracelet Mikkala gave me [found it, refuse to wear it, for now]
April 4th ~ Spinning, set free? prayer? A day of trying to draw close to God, finding Him, then falling again.
April 5th ~ Facebook message to my five most trusted people about my cutting, including Alex, Leslie, and MaKayla. I break the promise, again.
April 9th ~ Set free from cutting. For good. Or so I thought.
April 16th ~ You need to let your best friend fall. NEVER.
April 27th ~ SET FREE DATE!!!
April 21st-24th ~ Easter without Grandma
April 28th ~ Yet another fight with my best friend.
April 29th ~ Talent show, did well, told I did good. Offered multiple shots of encouragement.
April 30th ~ I pick up my cutting habit, but drop it as soon as I see blood. 23 DAYS BROKEN!
May 2nd ~ "This is too weird..." My best friend wants to fix things, so we do.
May 10th ~ My best friend hangs up on me while on the phone, I was too distracted by... some things online.
May 11th ~ After getting an angry note from my best friend that she didn't want to give me, I didn't know what to say to her. Another "Let's stop being friends." arguement. Turns into the fact that I've sucked all the help out of Mikkala and she needs it to help herself. After seeing my best friend's cuts, I carve an M into my ankle. Leading to a week long cutting streak.
May 14th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend fight. I'm not there to help. She freaks out. I try to calm her down and help.
May 25th ~ LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! A final fight between me and Mikkala. I have to let her go. I just do. She wants to go. She's sick of my depression, she can leave.
May 26 ~ Long decide as the first day of my journey. You need to write a book, says a close friend of mine.
Hmm, I don't know when my last post was on here. I kind of forgot about this blog yet again. I think it's ironic what I called this blog, Beautifully Broken, it really sums up who've I've been lately, who I still am.
It's been almost 4 months since my grandma's death. I never processed it. Too much happened. I went through Hell the last 8 months of my life. My mind became Satan's playground. My heart, open to his firey arrows.
Where do I go from here? How do I stand after such a long, hard, fall?
I put down the knife. I pick up the Bible. I put away the cell phone, put in the Fireflight cd. I get off the chat sites, go to my blog and pour my heart out. It's so much harder than it seems.
Letting go of Mikkala is so much harder than I realized. Getting rid of my desire for "love". Breaking this cutting addiction. Writing the truth in a book. All of this is soooo hard.
I can only rely on the keys to my prison.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
January 10th ~ The day I first self-injured.
January 16th ~ A fight between my best friend and I led to more "scars".
January 20th ~ The day I found out my grandma was dying.
Febuary 2nd ~ Guilt pains me, promise breaker that I was.
Febuary 7th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend's anniversary; night of the sharpie incident.
Febuary 8th ~ The day I realized I was losing myself.
Febuary 10th, 2011 ~ The day my grandma passed away. Also, the day I struggled to forgive my best friend for. I had no one to turn to that day, she left me because she wasn't strong enough to be there.
Febuary 11thish ~ The blue pills came INCHES from my mouth
Febuary 14th ~ The prayer service, I read my letter. Too strong for tears.
Febuary 15th ~ The funeral, still too strong for tears. Little brother had gut-wrenching sobs at grave site.
Febuary 26th ~ Another fight between my best friend and I. Led to her scars, which led to mine. Also the day I finally told Alex about my suicidal thoughts and actions.
March 1st ~ The first day of the rest of my life, saw Shelli for the first time in years. 2 Timothy 3: 16
March 3rd ~ My notebook is now my best friend, after trying to let go of Mikkala
March 5th ~ A friend's aunt's funeral. Comforted her crying, warning her not to try to be too strong.
March 7th ~ Found out above friend is depressed/suicidal/cutter too. Wondered, how can I even help when I feel like this too?
March 10th ~ The one month anniversary of Grandma's death. I didn't really feel anything.
March 16th ~ Four days of not talking, almost not eating and almost cutting due to a huge fight between me and my best friend. God should be my reason to live
March 18th ~ Failed attempt to be friends again.
March 21st ~ Finally mention to someone that B-I-T-C-H was starting to be carved into my leg. I wanted to either die, or be punched super hard. Ridden with guilt and worry.
March 23rd ~ Wrote a letter to my best friend. A mutual friend suggested I say all that to her instead. I was too chicken.
March 24th ~ Opened eyes after the song Majesty. Best friend and her boyfriend fight, worry ensues like always.
March 27th ~ Another chance at being friends, finally.
March 28th ~ Day I lost my blue bracelet Mikkala gave me [found it, refuse to wear it, for now]
April 4th ~ Spinning, set free? prayer? A day of trying to draw close to God, finding Him, then falling again.
April 5th ~ Facebook message to my five most trusted people about my cutting, including Alex, Leslie, and MaKayla. I break the promise, again.
April 9th ~ Set free from cutting. For good. Or so I thought.
April 16th ~ You need to let your best friend fall. NEVER.
April 27th ~ SET FREE DATE!!!
April 21st-24th ~ Easter without Grandma
April 28th ~ Yet another fight with my best friend.
April 29th ~ Talent show, did well, told I did good. Offered multiple shots of encouragement.
April 30th ~ I pick up my cutting habit, but drop it as soon as I see blood. 23 DAYS BROKEN!
May 2nd ~ "This is too weird..." My best friend wants to fix things, so we do.
May 10th ~ My best friend hangs up on me while on the phone, I was too distracted by... some things online.
May 11th ~ After getting an angry note from my best friend that she didn't want to give me, I didn't know what to say to her. Another "Let's stop being friends." arguement. Turns into the fact that I've sucked all the help out of Mikkala and she needs it to help herself. After seeing my best friend's cuts, I carve an M into my ankle. Leading to a week long cutting streak.
May 14th ~ My best friend and her boyfriend fight. I'm not there to help. She freaks out. I try to calm her down and help.
May 25th ~ LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! A final fight between me and Mikkala. I have to let her go. I just do. She wants to go. She's sick of my depression, she can leave.
May 26 ~ Long decide as the first day of my journey. You need to write a book, says a close friend of mine.
Hmm, I don't know when my last post was on here. I kind of forgot about this blog yet again. I think it's ironic what I called this blog, Beautifully Broken, it really sums up who've I've been lately, who I still am.
It's been almost 4 months since my grandma's death. I never processed it. Too much happened. I went through Hell the last 8 months of my life. My mind became Satan's playground. My heart, open to his firey arrows.
Where do I go from here? How do I stand after such a long, hard, fall?
I put down the knife. I pick up the Bible. I put away the cell phone, put in the Fireflight cd. I get off the chat sites, go to my blog and pour my heart out. It's so much harder than it seems.
Letting go of Mikkala is so much harder than I realized. Getting rid of my desire for "love". Breaking this cutting addiction. Writing the truth in a book. All of this is soooo hard.
I can only rely on the keys to my prison.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Show
Hello! Months ago I created this blog to reach out to the broken, I didn't know that I'd end up one of the broken. But I was. Last night, God reached out to me. My best friend turned her back on me, no one seemed able to help, in a last ditch effort I told one more friend about my depression and struggles. Instead of just saying, "I'm here for you... don't do that... yada yada." He told our youth pastor about my struggles. Our youth pastor's wife called me, and then the pastor called my mom. Today, my mom took me to the counsler I'd went to in sixth grade. She didn't say I needed medicine or to check in to a mental hospital like I was very afraid she would. Instead she noticed that all I needed was : someone to talk to, some support, someone to tell me I didn't always have to be strong, and most of all, I needed to rebuild my connection with God.
I'm going to do that. I'm going to overcome everything. And in that proccess, I'm going to do something I've been saying I'm going to do for almost two years. I'm going to write a manuscript. Not just any manuscript though, I'm going to write a Bible study for struggling teens. Not "troubled teens" but struggling teens. It is going to be called, "The Show."
Why? I've put on a show until this day. I've pretended to be okay, and strong, fine and perfect. It's time to quit the show. Not just for me, but for every hurting person out there who is hiding. Behind the scenes, there could be a lot of things. The Show will be finished by the summer, it may not be published but it's going to be a finished manuscript.
I'm going to be doing a lot of praying, writing, reading, studying, succeeding, counsling, and getting closer to God. I'll post an update soon!
I'm going to do that. I'm going to overcome everything. And in that proccess, I'm going to do something I've been saying I'm going to do for almost two years. I'm going to write a manuscript. Not just any manuscript though, I'm going to write a Bible study for struggling teens. Not "troubled teens" but struggling teens. It is going to be called, "The Show."
Why? I've put on a show until this day. I've pretended to be okay, and strong, fine and perfect. It's time to quit the show. Not just for me, but for every hurting person out there who is hiding. Behind the scenes, there could be a lot of things. The Show will be finished by the summer, it may not be published but it's going to be a finished manuscript.
I'm going to be doing a lot of praying, writing, reading, studying, succeeding, counsling, and getting closer to God. I'll post an update soon!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Real Life Hits At The Worst Times
Frostbite was an extreme success :)
I got back on track with God and got stuck in a snow storm :)
It's the fact that reality set in real quickly when I got back.
Exactly a week from Frostbite, my best friend and I quit being friends.
And this time, it's honestly my fault. I've been selfish. A LOT.
And when she tried to tell me that, I flipped out on her, lost it in frusteration... and now, we aren't speaking :"(
I'm confused, I'm lost, I don't know if I can do this.
She's confused, she's hurt, she's going to try and make it.
I have someone who's says they'll be my best friend.
My only problem is... he will never be the best friend I lost,
and it's not like he really wants to listen to me go on and on all the time.
I need my best friend back. My best guy friend will never replace her.
At least now I know not to give up, at least I know someone out there cares.
I got back on track with God and got stuck in a snow storm :)
It's the fact that reality set in real quickly when I got back.
Exactly a week from Frostbite, my best friend and I quit being friends.
And this time, it's honestly my fault. I've been selfish. A LOT.
And when she tried to tell me that, I flipped out on her, lost it in frusteration... and now, we aren't speaking :"(
I'm confused, I'm lost, I don't know if I can do this.
She's confused, she's hurt, she's going to try and make it.
I have someone who's says they'll be my best friend.
My only problem is... he will never be the best friend I lost,
and it's not like he really wants to listen to me go on and on all the time.
I need my best friend back. My best guy friend will never replace her.
At least now I know not to give up, at least I know someone out there cares.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
An Updateish
Last Tuesday, I was depressed.
Last Wednesday, God, through some amazing people save me.
Last Thursday, my grandma passed away and my best friend got mad at me.
Last Thursday, he saved my life.
Last Sunday, I skipped church to avoid him.
Monday, I read my letter at the prayer service. Many, many people told me how great I did.
Tuesday, I struggled my way through the funeral and school.
Wednesday, an amazing person came up to me and proved they cared.
Today, I want to punch someone from show choir in the face.
Today, I'm excited for my trip tomorrow.
Today, I'm hopeful that maybe, maybe he'll admit what ALL my friends say is true.
Tomorrow, I'll think how a month ago I told my best friend I didn't think I'd make it to this trip.
Tomorrow, I will be having the best time I've had in a long time, riding a church van to Minniesota.
This trip will be my vacation.
And just to say, I wouldn't be here without a certain two people. My best friend. And... the person I wish liked me back. You saved me, you may think I only like you because of that, or because you're kinda cute. No. I like you because you are you. Funny, sweet, caring, and God-loving you.
It's okay if you never notice that, or never like me back, because I'll always remember you telling me that I can make it through this... and that alone is enough to keep me going.
Last Wednesday, God, through some amazing people save me.
Last Thursday, my grandma passed away and my best friend got mad at me.
Last Thursday, he saved my life.
Last Sunday, I skipped church to avoid him.
Monday, I read my letter at the prayer service. Many, many people told me how great I did.
Tuesday, I struggled my way through the funeral and school.
Wednesday, an amazing person came up to me and proved they cared.
Today, I want to punch someone from show choir in the face.
Today, I'm excited for my trip tomorrow.
Today, I'm hopeful that maybe, maybe he'll admit what ALL my friends say is true.
Tomorrow, I'll think how a month ago I told my best friend I didn't think I'd make it to this trip.
Tomorrow, I will be having the best time I've had in a long time, riding a church van to Minniesota.
This trip will be my vacation.
And just to say, I wouldn't be here without a certain two people. My best friend. And... the person I wish liked me back. You saved me, you may think I only like you because of that, or because you're kinda cute. No. I like you because you are you. Funny, sweet, caring, and God-loving you.
It's okay if you never notice that, or never like me back, because I'll always remember you telling me that I can make it through this... and that alone is enough to keep me going.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
What I Just Realized
*long sigh* *and an even longer pause*
I have no idea how to start this. I can't believe I let this blog become the place where I hinted at some things I shouldn't have told. The fact that certain people found this blog, well, I'm kind of afraid someone else will, like my mom or something. I almost don't want to post anything more.
But it's gotten to be a habit now, and it's just another place where I can vent and try to find my way back to where I'm supposed to be.
Maybe I should just say everything on my mind. Even if I'm afraid to. Even if I know someone will read this. Even if I know the person and don't want them to read it. I just kind of what to tell everyone everything... and maybe see if they can help.
I'm so sick of keeping everything inside. So sick of wondering why. I'm so sick of being so far from God. I'm so sick of all these thoughts. I honestly just don't know what to do.
I wish I'd never, ever, ever got up the nerve to ask the guy I like if he liked me. That was such a mistake. I only did that because I was desperate for hope, for something to cheer me up. I would've never asked him if that wasn't the case. He's the first guy I've ever liked enough to even ask. It didn't help that all my friends thought he liked me. And all my preppy friends said I should ask him to TWIRP.
Sorry but no, everybody, I said I wasn't going to date until I was sixteen. I think I'm going to keep that little rule I made up. Because, one I don't think I need a boyfriend. Two, I have to figure things out first. Three, no guy likes me anyway.
I wish my grandma would get better, but I know she won't. God is calling her home and all that jazz I posted on my facebook yesterday. She's at peace with it. Heck, I'm pretty much at peace too, I'm just so tired of this roller coaster ride. And the next bump is... is when she's finally gone and I'm missing her like crazy.
I wish my mother didn't fight depression. She takes meds. She's "clinically depressed." You know what, Mom? You commented on my facebook last night saying I'm such a strong Christian girl, and that you were so glad you and Dad raised me that way. Mom, you got three things wrong in that sentence. One: "strong" ha, like I'm strong! Two people keep me strong and one of them you hate. Two: "strong Christian", Mom, I've been struggling with my faith for quite some time now, I ain't nearly the woman of God I was last year. I will always believe in God, but as of now, I just can't get close to Him. Pretending I am, well, that's so our family doesn't fall apart.
and as for you and dad raising me that way... get real, Mom. You two raised me as a Lutheran. God was up way up high and we couldn't get closed to Him. The reason I was ever a strong Christian, a full-fledged believer in Christ, was because of the friend that took me to a Pentecostal church. The very church I know consider my own. You got all that wrong, Mom. I can't believe how much you don't know me anymore.
You probably wouldn't believe your daughter has cut. You wouldn't believe the only reason your "strong Christian daughter" eats is because she doesn't want her too-skinny best friend to stop eating too. You wouldn't believe that your daughter has thought of giving up. You wouldn't believe that one time, your daughter's best friend, whom you "Don't hate", saved her life. You wouldn't believe that my best friend's boyfriend once saved my life. You wouldn't believe that one of the reasons I like the guy I do... is because he also saved my life once. Just by simply reminding me that God was there. You wouldn't believe it if you knew, Mom. You just wouldn't. You wouldn't believe that last night, when we were all staying at Grandma's I almost picked up the scissors... again. But then I looked at a message from my best friend... it told me to stay safe... which meant I couldn't do that. So I grabbed a Sharpie and wrote all my secrets on my feet and ankles. Every single thought in my brain...
"I love you, Grandma."
"I'll miss you, Grandma."
"Mom and Dad, please fix your marriage."
"Best friend, I'm staying safe."
"Markers don't leave scars."
"A, I wish you cared even more"
"If I give up, I'll go to hell, but sometimes that seems better."
"Knowing she'll give up too, makes me less willing to."
"N, thanks for singing to me that one day in bio, it made me feel like I mattered for once."
"M, you're closer to me than a sister, thank you so much."
"S, T, and A, thanks so much for saving me."
Lastly, I wrote:
"Forgiveness will find me, eventually."
I meant... I will find God eventually... I just can't seem to find Him. I need to. But one hand pulls Him closer, the other pushes Him away.
There is one person who is going to read this, one person that I really don't know if I want them to read this. They are going to finally see what's really inside my heart. This monster. When you first met me, you probably thought I was this happy, bubbly girl with a heart for God. That was true. Back then. Now, I don't know what I am. But I'm sure not happy... and the devil has put out my fire for God... I can't seem to relight it. I'm so sorry you have to see this horrible side of me... the real me. The one that's fought giving up for the last month and half. The one who's world keeps crashing in around her. The one who keeps running in the wrong direction and can't turn around. The one too broken to be put together again... the one no one seems able to save... I hate that you will read this... Gosh, I'm so sorry you have to... because knowing you, you'll blame yourself for this... you'll say, if only I would've been nicer when I said what I said... or if I would've said yes. No. Don't do that. Because it's not your fault at all. In fact, all you did was point me in the right direction, telling me to focus on God. And if you hate this, the real me, I'm okay with that. You don't need me dragging you down. I'm so glad we're still friends though. A, I thank you so much for saving my life.
I just got a heck of a lot of stuff of my heart... but it's not all. I don't know what else to put. Considering no one's really going to care all that a much about a mile-long post... especially when it's all about me and my problems... you know, I just wish I could stop feeling so messed up and broken. Stop wanting to give up. Start realizing that people care... And to think only two months ago I was worried about my friends giving up... now they're worried about me... role-reversal much...
I want summer to come. But you know what really sucks about summer....... I have to work. And my mom wants me to work full-time. That means 7-4:30... I really, really don't want to waste my summer like that. I think one of the reason I'm so depressed is I never got a vacation last year. I never got to be a kid. Never got to sit outside and enjoy the sun. because I worked 9- 1:30 and was too tired to do anything. I'm not going to work this summer... no matter what bull my mom says. I can't work this summer. I need to enjoy my last summer as a true kid, the summer I'm fifteen. Because when I'm sixteen I'll get a real job... but for now, I really, really just want to be a kid again... and ride my bike up and down the hill so many times my legs burn, chalk so much on the driveway, I'm covered in it. Make mud pies in the front yard, climb my grandma's tree. Ride a scooter. Run in the grass. Find a four-leaf clover. Play pretend...
That's what I just realized I need... a break.
I have no idea how to start this. I can't believe I let this blog become the place where I hinted at some things I shouldn't have told. The fact that certain people found this blog, well, I'm kind of afraid someone else will, like my mom or something. I almost don't want to post anything more.
But it's gotten to be a habit now, and it's just another place where I can vent and try to find my way back to where I'm supposed to be.
Maybe I should just say everything on my mind. Even if I'm afraid to. Even if I know someone will read this. Even if I know the person and don't want them to read it. I just kind of what to tell everyone everything... and maybe see if they can help.
I'm so sick of keeping everything inside. So sick of wondering why. I'm so sick of being so far from God. I'm so sick of all these thoughts. I honestly just don't know what to do.
I wish I'd never, ever, ever got up the nerve to ask the guy I like if he liked me. That was such a mistake. I only did that because I was desperate for hope, for something to cheer me up. I would've never asked him if that wasn't the case. He's the first guy I've ever liked enough to even ask. It didn't help that all my friends thought he liked me. And all my preppy friends said I should ask him to TWIRP.
Sorry but no, everybody, I said I wasn't going to date until I was sixteen. I think I'm going to keep that little rule I made up. Because, one I don't think I need a boyfriend. Two, I have to figure things out first. Three, no guy likes me anyway.
I wish my grandma would get better, but I know she won't. God is calling her home and all that jazz I posted on my facebook yesterday. She's at peace with it. Heck, I'm pretty much at peace too, I'm just so tired of this roller coaster ride. And the next bump is... is when she's finally gone and I'm missing her like crazy.
I wish my mother didn't fight depression. She takes meds. She's "clinically depressed." You know what, Mom? You commented on my facebook last night saying I'm such a strong Christian girl, and that you were so glad you and Dad raised me that way. Mom, you got three things wrong in that sentence. One: "strong" ha, like I'm strong! Two people keep me strong and one of them you hate. Two: "strong Christian", Mom, I've been struggling with my faith for quite some time now, I ain't nearly the woman of God I was last year. I will always believe in God, but as of now, I just can't get close to Him. Pretending I am, well, that's so our family doesn't fall apart.
and as for you and dad raising me that way... get real, Mom. You two raised me as a Lutheran. God was up way up high and we couldn't get closed to Him. The reason I was ever a strong Christian, a full-fledged believer in Christ, was because of the friend that took me to a Pentecostal church. The very church I know consider my own. You got all that wrong, Mom. I can't believe how much you don't know me anymore.
You probably wouldn't believe your daughter has cut. You wouldn't believe the only reason your "strong Christian daughter" eats is because she doesn't want her too-skinny best friend to stop eating too. You wouldn't believe that your daughter has thought of giving up. You wouldn't believe that one time, your daughter's best friend, whom you "Don't hate", saved her life. You wouldn't believe that my best friend's boyfriend once saved my life. You wouldn't believe that one of the reasons I like the guy I do... is because he also saved my life once. Just by simply reminding me that God was there. You wouldn't believe it if you knew, Mom. You just wouldn't. You wouldn't believe that last night, when we were all staying at Grandma's I almost picked up the scissors... again. But then I looked at a message from my best friend... it told me to stay safe... which meant I couldn't do that. So I grabbed a Sharpie and wrote all my secrets on my feet and ankles. Every single thought in my brain...
"I love you, Grandma."
"I'll miss you, Grandma."
"Mom and Dad, please fix your marriage."
"Best friend, I'm staying safe."
"Markers don't leave scars."
"A, I wish you cared even more"
"If I give up, I'll go to hell, but sometimes that seems better."
"Knowing she'll give up too, makes me less willing to."
"N, thanks for singing to me that one day in bio, it made me feel like I mattered for once."
"M, you're closer to me than a sister, thank you so much."
"S, T, and A, thanks so much for saving me."
Lastly, I wrote:
"Forgiveness will find me, eventually."
I meant... I will find God eventually... I just can't seem to find Him. I need to. But one hand pulls Him closer, the other pushes Him away.
There is one person who is going to read this, one person that I really don't know if I want them to read this. They are going to finally see what's really inside my heart. This monster. When you first met me, you probably thought I was this happy, bubbly girl with a heart for God. That was true. Back then. Now, I don't know what I am. But I'm sure not happy... and the devil has put out my fire for God... I can't seem to relight it. I'm so sorry you have to see this horrible side of me... the real me. The one that's fought giving up for the last month and half. The one who's world keeps crashing in around her. The one who keeps running in the wrong direction and can't turn around. The one too broken to be put together again... the one no one seems able to save... I hate that you will read this... Gosh, I'm so sorry you have to... because knowing you, you'll blame yourself for this... you'll say, if only I would've been nicer when I said what I said... or if I would've said yes. No. Don't do that. Because it's not your fault at all. In fact, all you did was point me in the right direction, telling me to focus on God. And if you hate this, the real me, I'm okay with that. You don't need me dragging you down. I'm so glad we're still friends though. A, I thank you so much for saving my life.
I just got a heck of a lot of stuff of my heart... but it's not all. I don't know what else to put. Considering no one's really going to care all that a much about a mile-long post... especially when it's all about me and my problems... you know, I just wish I could stop feeling so messed up and broken. Stop wanting to give up. Start realizing that people care... And to think only two months ago I was worried about my friends giving up... now they're worried about me... role-reversal much...
I want summer to come. But you know what really sucks about summer....... I have to work. And my mom wants me to work full-time. That means 7-4:30... I really, really don't want to waste my summer like that. I think one of the reason I'm so depressed is I never got a vacation last year. I never got to be a kid. Never got to sit outside and enjoy the sun. because I worked 9- 1:30 and was too tired to do anything. I'm not going to work this summer... no matter what bull my mom says. I can't work this summer. I need to enjoy my last summer as a true kid, the summer I'm fifteen. Because when I'm sixteen I'll get a real job... but for now, I really, really just want to be a kid again... and ride my bike up and down the hill so many times my legs burn, chalk so much on the driveway, I'm covered in it. Make mud pies in the front yard, climb my grandma's tree. Ride a scooter. Run in the grass. Find a four-leaf clover. Play pretend...
That's what I just realized I need... a break.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Death
I'm scared. My grandma is dying. She has anywhere from 3 days to a month to no one knows. My family's falling apart. I have my first show choir competition in about a week.
When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."
She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.
When I found out that my grandma was going home with hospice, the first thing I did was text my best friend, the next was text the one person I knew who would lead me to God. My best friend and I spent the next two and a half hours talking at the near-by McDonald's. I cried a lot. While we were there, she told me to take the trip to Minnieapplos I'm going on and let it be a get away from everything. I said, "But that's a month away... I don't know if I can make it that long." Suddenly, she started crying. "You have to make it. You have to. You know you can. You just have to... for me..."
She's terrified I'm going to give up. And if I do, she'll give up too. I don't wanna give up, but I'm barely strong enough for this. My faith is hanging on by a thread, my family is falling apart, and my aunt is expecting my faith in God to pull us through. There's only one problem: My faith in God isn't nearly what it used to be.
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