Next Monday I leave for church camp. I'm excited, but hesistant at the same time. My mind and heart are not ready for this. I'm too scared to let God back in and change things. My heart and soul are locked up tight and I'm too scared to go to the One with the key.
Ever heard of the song Maybe I'm Afraid by Kerrie Roberts? That song fits me to a tee. I'm too scared to change. I want to stay the same, I think. I'm too afraid of being mended.
I know I hide nothing from God no matter how hard I try, but being unable to talk about the things inside me, or my thoughts keeps me from drawing closer to Him. My inability to show emotion is really hindering me.
One of my friends says she has a feeling God is going to do something amazing in my life at camp. But I have to prepare for it. Her suggestion was pray, fast, just spending time with God, and read my Bible. All things I struggle with.
I want to be close to God, I do. But it seems so hard, like I've fallen so far and I'm climbing up these icy slick-smooth walls. And all the while there's a hand trying to pull me back.
How can I do this? How can I even prepare, let alone be opened and changed?
I struggle with praying. I'm not honest with myself, how can I be with God?
I'm afraid of fasting, due to my struggle with body image, I'm afraid fasting might put me into a place of not eating that would lead to a worse place. Plus my parents don't support fasting at all.
Spending time with God is the hardest thing, the only place I feel Him is at church during worship, I know He's everywhere, but I need quiet or music to be able to even feel like it's possible to be near God.
I can possible read my Bible. I like reading and I have a million different versions of the Bible.
"I'm asking You to be strong enough, for the both of us." ~ Strong Enough by Matthew West.
I think I just found my answer. I'm not strong enough to prepare for camp. But He is.
He can move the mountains. He can walk on water. He can prepare my heart for what's to come.
Philippians 4: 13
